My thoughts have been running a mile a minute lately and a beautiful blog that my friend posted today brought them all to a screeching halt. I am finally able to understand where my feelings and deep-seated anxiety are coming from. Here is the link if you feel like reading it http://heidistjohn.com/other/strength-for-the-weary-mom .
Ever since getting pregnant with baby #3, I have felt this underlying feeling of shame. It comes from within most days, but just as often, it comes from around me too. These ridiculous parameters that society has set. Yes, I am about to have my third child, yes the first two are 11 months apart and yes, these two will be 11 months apart as well. Here is the honest truth, when I first found out I was pregnant again, I was devastated. Like, I cried for multiple days and felt, you guessed it, ashamed. How had Ken and I let this happen again? We were being careful, I wasn't ready, I am exhausted, how in the hell am I going to do this? Why, God? Is this a cruel joke? Every variation of these themes ran through my mind and sometimes they still do. I get asked daily how I am doing, how I'm feeling and I have been lying. "I'm fine, I'm tired, I'm excited, We're surviving." I give all these answers, but how I was truly feeling was ashamed. I interpreted every glance from strangers as judgement. I can see them trying to work out in their minds how old my kids are and whether I am actually pregnant again or just overweight. I don't blame them for their curiosity, their questions of, "was that planned?" I would be curious too if I was in their shoes. But because I was ashamed, I took all of these questions negatively, as a judgement on my choices. I would try to smile and nod but it was an empty, polite smile. Even to the group of mother's that is my village and my best friends, I hid my true feelings.
Here is where God's grace enters. He comes at the perfect time, in the perfect way to remind me that I am his child and it is HIS plan for my life. Who am I to be ashamed of God's plan for me?? He is in control of what happens, not me. The devil has been working overtime to get me to believe that this imperfect situation could only be negative. But this imperfect situation is perfectly what God wants for my life. How can I not be excited about having another beautiful little baby? And heck, I know myself, and I know 100% that I can be more than enough for these three awesome kids. On the days when I have none, God will remind me that that is what He is there for, to be my strength. Will it be hard? oh you bet. Expect plenty of "I get literally no sleep" Facebook statuses. But I don't think life is supposed to be easy. It is supposed to force us to grow and change and adapt. Adaption is the key to survival. Plus, I get a third try to get it right (as if I'll ever get it 100% right! ha!). The most awesome part of this realization is the excitement. I can finally be excited about having another baby! I am leaving those feelings of shame behind me and embracing every crazy, wonderful, difficult part of this situation. Thank you, God, for putting people in my life at the exact moment I need them and revealing your truth and love to me again.
Another aspect of this feeling of shame is coming from how I choose to birth. My birth choices are a huge part of my identity (as they are with every woman) and I have been listening to my inner voice lately and it is telling me that a homebirth may not be the safest birthing option for me this time even though it is desperately what I want. My body has been through a lot and I want to make the choice that is safest for both me, my baby, and my family. What frustrates me though, is the comments of, "Oh it would make ME feel so much better if you were at a hospital." This may seem small, but it is not. First, it is not about you, it is about me and my choice to birth where I want. You making it about you takes that away. Like I am somehow making this choice to make you feel better. Sorry, no, it is all for me and my family. Second, there is no shame in choosing a specific type of birth. There is no shame in a homebirth that doesn't go as planned, just like there is no shame in a hospital birth that doesn't go as planned or any birth for that matter. Because I hemorrhaged after Pierce was born, I have been disappointed by the way that people try to use that against me. "Well, because you hemorrhaged with Pierce, you need to have all your babies in the hospital from now on." No joke, I have heard this comment from three different people. What they are really saying is, "See? Homebirth is dangerous. You should have listened." But I am not ashamed with what happened at my homebirth. I could have hemorrhaged at the hospital too and they would have taken the exact same steps that my midwife did. I felt safe, and extremely well taken care of by my team. I am embracing each of my births and if this next birth cannot happen at home because it is not safe for me, then I will embrace that too. So, I will trust that God will reveal the right path to me as he has been all along. If you want to pray for God to guide me to His choice, I would really appreciate it.
Thank you to everyone who is part of my life and has supported me through this transformative journey of being a parent. I am learning new things every day and reveling in the peace that only God can bring.
Merry Christmas and Much Love
