I am writing from a state of grief tonight, my grandpa Gordon has passed away. He was my dad's step-dad, which is weird to think about because we always just called him Gordon. I felt growing up that he was not my "real" grandpa, not in a negative way at all, but for some reason I perceived him more as an addition to the family instead of actual family because of how my parents treated him. Again, never in a negative light, but just different. Which is funny, because he was one of my favorite people. Quite but strong-willed, always told the truth and told it in such a way that people didn't get offended. He was funny, but only to the people that understood his unexpected humor and he was realistic. He was the perfect compliment to my Farmor (danish name for "Father's Mother") who is elegant and extroverted and loves giving to people. They showed their love in a quiet way and I know they truly loved each other because they soothed each others flaws and they both have the biggest hearts. I have many regrets where they are concerned and my biggest one in the moment is that Gordon never got a chance to meet Pierce. Penny and Pierce where his only great-grandchildren and as he got more ill, their plans to come down and see us had to change. I wish I had known then how bad things truly were, how much the leukemia was affecting him....
How did I get so caught up in my life that I didn't make time for us to go see them? When did family become secondary to the daily monotony? I know that people will tell me that I don't have to feel that way because my life is busy and there is something happening every minute of every day, but I think it is important in these moments to look at where our true priorities lie. If I could go back in time, I would push for us to make a trip up there happen instead of trying not to put pressure on Ken to get off of work. I know that of all people, my husband understands the most how precious family is because of how he treats his own family. When we first got married, in my immaturity, I used to take offense to it. He had a new family now, why did he feel like he had to spend so much time with his siblings and parents? I was so very, very naive in those first few months of marriage. Now I feel blessed that I gained THREE amazing sisters, another set of parents, and a whole host of new cousins, titos and titas, and lolos and lolas that love me and treat me as one of their own. Although my family has always been incredibly important to me, we always had this understanding of, "it's life and sometimes it gets in the way". I don't agree with that anymore. We only have a short time together on this earth, and family is one of the most precious things we have. Time and sacrifices should be made so that we can be together. My mom and I have been discussing this a lot in the last few days, both of us realizing how we are letting time slip away from us.
Ken and I decided we will be going to my grandpa's funeral even if it means we have to pack the kids up and drive through the night to get there and spend a day before turning around and driving back that night. Of course, my husband immediately told me when we got the news not to worry about his work schedule, he would take off whatever time he needed to to get us up there. I don't know what I would do without his strength and understanding. He is always my rock, as I know God intended.
I have struggled a lot today with my emotions about all of this, should I let Penny see me cry? Should I stress her out with things she doesn't understand? How should I act around my friends when I just really want to break down and cry and be hugged by people that love me and want to take away the pain? I'm letting myself cry now, and it is so cleansing, its like the dirt is being washed from my eyes and I'm able to see life in a new light and it seems brighter and more beautiful than before. Instead of seeing Penny's endless energy as exhausting, I want to feed off of it and encourage it. It makes the quiet, peaceful times when I'm watching her fall asleep even more beautiful. She is so vibrant and full of life, sometimes blinding like the sun and her mischievousness just makes me want to laugh at everything she does. I have the craziest, almost desperate, urge to never want to stifle her light. I don't want to tell her for the twentieth time to stop dancing on the table or to stop jumping on my face, which she find hilarious. I just want to revel in her liveliness and view life the way she does, as an incredible gift to be lived to the fullest. Pierce is the same way, smiling and laughing and giggling at his crazy sister. Even with baby #3 on the way (yes, I am pregnant again for those I have not told yet) I know that things are going to be fine. I see it all the time in the way Penny and Pierce play together and in the village that gives me so much incredible support and in my husband who finds the goodness in all of this. God did not give us an easy path, but it is possible one of the most beautiful and blessed paths.
I know this is long and a bit like a jumbled rambling of thoughts, but thank you for hanging in there with me through this. You, my family, my village, my friends, are the ones who keep me going and grounded. Much, much love to all of you tonight and may you have peace in your hearts as I am finding mine.
