My thoughts have been running a mile a minute lately and a beautiful blog that my friend posted today brought them all to a screeching halt. I am finally able to understand where my feelings and deep-seated anxiety are coming from. Here is the link if you feel like reading it http://heidistjohn.com/other/strength-for-the-weary-mom .
Ever since getting pregnant with baby #3, I have felt this underlying feeling of shame. It comes from within most days, but just as often, it comes from around me too. These ridiculous parameters that society has set. Yes, I am about to have my third child, yes the first two are 11 months apart and yes, these two will be 11 months apart as well. Here is the honest truth, when I first found out I was pregnant again, I was devastated. Like, I cried for multiple days and felt, you guessed it, ashamed. How had Ken and I let this happen again? We were being careful, I wasn't ready, I am exhausted, how in the hell am I going to do this? Why, God? Is this a cruel joke? Every variation of these themes ran through my mind and sometimes they still do. I get asked daily how I am doing, how I'm feeling and I have been lying. "I'm fine, I'm tired, I'm excited, We're surviving." I give all these answers, but how I was truly feeling was ashamed. I interpreted every glance from strangers as judgement. I can see them trying to work out in their minds how old my kids are and whether I am actually pregnant again or just overweight. I don't blame them for their curiosity, their questions of, "was that planned?" I would be curious too if I was in their shoes. But because I was ashamed, I took all of these questions negatively, as a judgement on my choices. I would try to smile and nod but it was an empty, polite smile. Even to the group of mother's that is my village and my best friends, I hid my true feelings.
Here is where God's grace enters. He comes at the perfect time, in the perfect way to remind me that I am his child and it is HIS plan for my life. Who am I to be ashamed of God's plan for me?? He is in control of what happens, not me. The devil has been working overtime to get me to believe that this imperfect situation could only be negative. But this imperfect situation is perfectly what God wants for my life. How can I not be excited about having another beautiful little baby? And heck, I know myself, and I know 100% that I can be more than enough for these three awesome kids. On the days when I have none, God will remind me that that is what He is there for, to be my strength. Will it be hard? oh you bet. Expect plenty of "I get literally no sleep" Facebook statuses. But I don't think life is supposed to be easy. It is supposed to force us to grow and change and adapt. Adaption is the key to survival. Plus, I get a third try to get it right (as if I'll ever get it 100% right! ha!). The most awesome part of this realization is the excitement. I can finally be excited about having another baby! I am leaving those feelings of shame behind me and embracing every crazy, wonderful, difficult part of this situation. Thank you, God, for putting people in my life at the exact moment I need them and revealing your truth and love to me again.
Another aspect of this feeling of shame is coming from how I choose to birth. My birth choices are a huge part of my identity (as they are with every woman) and I have been listening to my inner voice lately and it is telling me that a homebirth may not be the safest birthing option for me this time even though it is desperately what I want. My body has been through a lot and I want to make the choice that is safest for both me, my baby, and my family. What frustrates me though, is the comments of, "Oh it would make ME feel so much better if you were at a hospital." This may seem small, but it is not. First, it is not about you, it is about me and my choice to birth where I want. You making it about you takes that away. Like I am somehow making this choice to make you feel better. Sorry, no, it is all for me and my family. Second, there is no shame in choosing a specific type of birth. There is no shame in a homebirth that doesn't go as planned, just like there is no shame in a hospital birth that doesn't go as planned or any birth for that matter. Because I hemorrhaged after Pierce was born, I have been disappointed by the way that people try to use that against me. "Well, because you hemorrhaged with Pierce, you need to have all your babies in the hospital from now on." No joke, I have heard this comment from three different people. What they are really saying is, "See? Homebirth is dangerous. You should have listened." But I am not ashamed with what happened at my homebirth. I could have hemorrhaged at the hospital too and they would have taken the exact same steps that my midwife did. I felt safe, and extremely well taken care of by my team. I am embracing each of my births and if this next birth cannot happen at home because it is not safe for me, then I will embrace that too. So, I will trust that God will reveal the right path to me as he has been all along. If you want to pray for God to guide me to His choice, I would really appreciate it.
Thank you to everyone who is part of my life and has supported me through this transformative journey of being a parent. I am learning new things every day and reveling in the peace that only God can bring.
Merry Christmas and Much Love
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
A Day in the Life
Well hello again my friends! I have to warn you, this post is real life (like all of my posts). I want to remember every single detail of these days. They are flying by faster than I could have imagined and I am left feeling that I need to document everything. So, today you get a glimpse into my daily life.
I was trying to decide where to start my day since it never actually seems to end. I guess I'll start at morning wake-up since that is normally an "acceptable" time for people to be awake. Generally, the kids are awake anytime between 4:30 am and 5:30 am for the day. It used to be more around 6:00 am to 7:00 am but the time change is quite literally the worst thing ever. On a day where Ken is off from his second job, he or I switch off watching the kids in the morning, usually it is the less sleep deprived one that gets this honor. The other one catches an extra hour of sleep before the day begins. Then I cook breakfast, feed the family, and clean up from breakfast while Ken entertains the kids. I love this set-up because I am able to get everything done so much faster and the kids are perfectly content. Then we try to get them down for a nap which usually lasts for about 45 min to 1 hr. Sometimes Penny likes to skip this nap which we are fighting to get back. Then Ken and I, or at least one of us, gets a short break to either do chores or sit on our cell phones and zone out (which we both have deemed totally acceptable under the circumstances). Then, before we know it, the kids are up and it's time for lunch. So, I cook, feed, and clean, again while Ken watches the kids. After that it's time for Ken to shower and get ready for work which generally leaves Penny crying outside the bathroom door because she wants to get in a bath so I distract her with music or a book or playing with her brother. After Ken leaves it is the long haul till bed time. Most of the time I can get the kids down for a second nap, but most often it is in the car and so I am not able to be productive at all. Then, they are up from nap around 4:30 and ready to start the cooking dinner, feeding, and cleaning, this time by myself. It is chaos, always, but I love that Penny always breaks off little pieces of food to give to Pierce and says, "der you go!" every time. Pierce just loves food and chomps away at everything in front of him. He took to food so quickly and it's so fun to watch him explore. Penny always wants to sit in my lap and feed me my food as well. I love when I cook something she loves to eat and all I hear is "Nummy, nummy, nummy!!" After dinner, it's generally a straight path to the bath to wash off the dirt of the day, or at least from that meal. Penny absolutely loves the bath and her favorite thing is to soap up her brothers hair and body and rinse him off. She is such an incredible helper and always wants to be copying what I'm doing. I love being able to involve her in everything and she is so smart that she is able to do all of the tasks I give her. Pierce also loves the bath and splashes about spraying water everywhere. He doesn't mind getting water poured over his head by Penny which makes it all more funny. I then drain the bath and we laugh and giggle while I snuggle them into their towels to keeps them warm. Diapers are next and let me tell you, it is a workout in itself to get a diaper on these squirmy kids! Then come pajamas and more reading/play time. I try to prep Penny early by saying, "are you ready to go night night?" about every five minutes so that she is prepared when it comes to bed time. We have really been struggling at bedtime, and finally tonight I said, "okay Penny, it's time to go to sleep, I love you, sleep well." and she goes, "bye, bye, muah, muah" blowing kisses at me as I left the room. Not a peep from her since. Pierce can be more difficult to get to sleep because he likes to crawl around on the bed until he has found the perfect spot to sleep in, a process which can sometimes take 30 min. By this time it's normally 8:00 pm and I am so ready for sleep. But, I get to go and do homework instead! So I either get homework assignments, tests, quizzes, or studying done for at least 2-4 hours before my body finally gives in, Ken comes home, or Pierce wakes up for his first night time feeding. If I am lucky, Ken is home and will usually take him because he is incredible and can get Pierce back to sleep so easily. If we are lucky, Pierce will only wake up one or two more times before the morning (AKA 4:30 am). Penny has had a really erratic sleeping schedule lately and there are nights where she will wake up at 2:00 am and want to play, all. night. long. until the sun comes up. These nights are the hardest because there is just no stopping that girl once she gets started. Through all of this, I have my hardworking partner, always willing to take a baby or put the other to sleep. I don't know what I would do without his help.
And that folks, is a day in the life of a pregnant mom with 2 under 2 yrs old.
I have moments, normally on the days that Ken works from 6:00 am to 11:30 pm and I am doing every step of that day on my own, that I just feel hopeless. The exhaustion reaches levels that are unfathomable and my body goes on autopilot to get through the day. On days like these, I lean hard on my village. I draw strength from the other women that surround me and I keep my eyes fixed on the day when I can breath again.
Initially, when I started writing this, I was so focused on how difficult my day normally is and how much I have to do to keep my house from hitting a zone of chaos. But the more I wrote, the more I couldn't help but think about every little amazing thing my kids do during the day. I wish I could include every one of these moments because they are so precious. About 90% of the time, I feel like the most blessed mom in the entire world. Since I promised to be real, the other 10% is complete exhaustion and yes, feeling like I'm about to go insane. I'm not always proud of myself as a mom, but I made a decision a while ago to give myself grace, and forgive myself for messing up. God has a plan for me and he is molding me into a better person through every failure. I honestly don't know what is going to happen when this third baby comes, but all I can do is put it in God's hands. I have to say though, I am reeeaaallllyyy sick of hearing, "You're crazy!" and "I don't know how you are going to do it!" I know people mean well, but geeze, have a little faith in me! hahaha
For everyone who is reading this and didn't know about my pregnancy (I'm keeping this mum on social media cause I'm just not ready for more of the above comments), here is a quick update! I'm currently 24 weeks along and due in the beginning of March, so yes, Pierce and this next baby will be 11 months apart just like Penny and Pierce were. I am so excited for this little one and I know that somehow, God will us through the next few years. I have faith!
That's all for now <3
I was trying to decide where to start my day since it never actually seems to end. I guess I'll start at morning wake-up since that is normally an "acceptable" time for people to be awake. Generally, the kids are awake anytime between 4:30 am and 5:30 am for the day. It used to be more around 6:00 am to 7:00 am but the time change is quite literally the worst thing ever. On a day where Ken is off from his second job, he or I switch off watching the kids in the morning, usually it is the less sleep deprived one that gets this honor. The other one catches an extra hour of sleep before the day begins. Then I cook breakfast, feed the family, and clean up from breakfast while Ken entertains the kids. I love this set-up because I am able to get everything done so much faster and the kids are perfectly content. Then we try to get them down for a nap which usually lasts for about 45 min to 1 hr. Sometimes Penny likes to skip this nap which we are fighting to get back. Then Ken and I, or at least one of us, gets a short break to either do chores or sit on our cell phones and zone out (which we both have deemed totally acceptable under the circumstances). Then, before we know it, the kids are up and it's time for lunch. So, I cook, feed, and clean, again while Ken watches the kids. After that it's time for Ken to shower and get ready for work which generally leaves Penny crying outside the bathroom door because she wants to get in a bath so I distract her with music or a book or playing with her brother. After Ken leaves it is the long haul till bed time. Most of the time I can get the kids down for a second nap, but most often it is in the car and so I am not able to be productive at all. Then, they are up from nap around 4:30 and ready to start the cooking dinner, feeding, and cleaning, this time by myself. It is chaos, always, but I love that Penny always breaks off little pieces of food to give to Pierce and says, "der you go!" every time. Pierce just loves food and chomps away at everything in front of him. He took to food so quickly and it's so fun to watch him explore. Penny always wants to sit in my lap and feed me my food as well. I love when I cook something she loves to eat and all I hear is "Nummy, nummy, nummy!!" After dinner, it's generally a straight path to the bath to wash off the dirt of the day, or at least from that meal. Penny absolutely loves the bath and her favorite thing is to soap up her brothers hair and body and rinse him off. She is such an incredible helper and always wants to be copying what I'm doing. I love being able to involve her in everything and she is so smart that she is able to do all of the tasks I give her. Pierce also loves the bath and splashes about spraying water everywhere. He doesn't mind getting water poured over his head by Penny which makes it all more funny. I then drain the bath and we laugh and giggle while I snuggle them into their towels to keeps them warm. Diapers are next and let me tell you, it is a workout in itself to get a diaper on these squirmy kids! Then come pajamas and more reading/play time. I try to prep Penny early by saying, "are you ready to go night night?" about every five minutes so that she is prepared when it comes to bed time. We have really been struggling at bedtime, and finally tonight I said, "okay Penny, it's time to go to sleep, I love you, sleep well." and she goes, "bye, bye, muah, muah" blowing kisses at me as I left the room. Not a peep from her since. Pierce can be more difficult to get to sleep because he likes to crawl around on the bed until he has found the perfect spot to sleep in, a process which can sometimes take 30 min. By this time it's normally 8:00 pm and I am so ready for sleep. But, I get to go and do homework instead! So I either get homework assignments, tests, quizzes, or studying done for at least 2-4 hours before my body finally gives in, Ken comes home, or Pierce wakes up for his first night time feeding. If I am lucky, Ken is home and will usually take him because he is incredible and can get Pierce back to sleep so easily. If we are lucky, Pierce will only wake up one or two more times before the morning (AKA 4:30 am). Penny has had a really erratic sleeping schedule lately and there are nights where she will wake up at 2:00 am and want to play, all. night. long. until the sun comes up. These nights are the hardest because there is just no stopping that girl once she gets started. Through all of this, I have my hardworking partner, always willing to take a baby or put the other to sleep. I don't know what I would do without his help.
And that folks, is a day in the life of a pregnant mom with 2 under 2 yrs old.
I have moments, normally on the days that Ken works from 6:00 am to 11:30 pm and I am doing every step of that day on my own, that I just feel hopeless. The exhaustion reaches levels that are unfathomable and my body goes on autopilot to get through the day. On days like these, I lean hard on my village. I draw strength from the other women that surround me and I keep my eyes fixed on the day when I can breath again.
Initially, when I started writing this, I was so focused on how difficult my day normally is and how much I have to do to keep my house from hitting a zone of chaos. But the more I wrote, the more I couldn't help but think about every little amazing thing my kids do during the day. I wish I could include every one of these moments because they are so precious. About 90% of the time, I feel like the most blessed mom in the entire world. Since I promised to be real, the other 10% is complete exhaustion and yes, feeling like I'm about to go insane. I'm not always proud of myself as a mom, but I made a decision a while ago to give myself grace, and forgive myself for messing up. God has a plan for me and he is molding me into a better person through every failure. I honestly don't know what is going to happen when this third baby comes, but all I can do is put it in God's hands. I have to say though, I am reeeaaallllyyy sick of hearing, "You're crazy!" and "I don't know how you are going to do it!" I know people mean well, but geeze, have a little faith in me! hahaha
For everyone who is reading this and didn't know about my pregnancy (I'm keeping this mum on social media cause I'm just not ready for more of the above comments), here is a quick update! I'm currently 24 weeks along and due in the beginning of March, so yes, Pierce and this next baby will be 11 months apart just like Penny and Pierce were. I am so excited for this little one and I know that somehow, God will us through the next few years. I have faith!
That's all for now <3
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Priorities Revisited
I am writing from a state of grief tonight, my grandpa Gordon has passed away. He was my dad's step-dad, which is weird to think about because we always just called him Gordon. I felt growing up that he was not my "real" grandpa, not in a negative way at all, but for some reason I perceived him more as an addition to the family instead of actual family because of how my parents treated him. Again, never in a negative light, but just different. Which is funny, because he was one of my favorite people. Quite but strong-willed, always told the truth and told it in such a way that people didn't get offended. He was funny, but only to the people that understood his unexpected humor and he was realistic. He was the perfect compliment to my Farmor (danish name for "Father's Mother") who is elegant and extroverted and loves giving to people. They showed their love in a quiet way and I know they truly loved each other because they soothed each others flaws and they both have the biggest hearts. I have many regrets where they are concerned and my biggest one in the moment is that Gordon never got a chance to meet Pierce. Penny and Pierce where his only great-grandchildren and as he got more ill, their plans to come down and see us had to change. I wish I had known then how bad things truly were, how much the leukemia was affecting him....
How did I get so caught up in my life that I didn't make time for us to go see them? When did family become secondary to the daily monotony? I know that people will tell me that I don't have to feel that way because my life is busy and there is something happening every minute of every day, but I think it is important in these moments to look at where our true priorities lie. If I could go back in time, I would push for us to make a trip up there happen instead of trying not to put pressure on Ken to get off of work. I know that of all people, my husband understands the most how precious family is because of how he treats his own family. When we first got married, in my immaturity, I used to take offense to it. He had a new family now, why did he feel like he had to spend so much time with his siblings and parents? I was so very, very naive in those first few months of marriage. Now I feel blessed that I gained THREE amazing sisters, another set of parents, and a whole host of new cousins, titos and titas, and lolos and lolas that love me and treat me as one of their own. Although my family has always been incredibly important to me, we always had this understanding of, "it's life and sometimes it gets in the way". I don't agree with that anymore. We only have a short time together on this earth, and family is one of the most precious things we have. Time and sacrifices should be made so that we can be together. My mom and I have been discussing this a lot in the last few days, both of us realizing how we are letting time slip away from us.
Ken and I decided we will be going to my grandpa's funeral even if it means we have to pack the kids up and drive through the night to get there and spend a day before turning around and driving back that night. Of course, my husband immediately told me when we got the news not to worry about his work schedule, he would take off whatever time he needed to to get us up there. I don't know what I would do without his strength and understanding. He is always my rock, as I know God intended.
I have struggled a lot today with my emotions about all of this, should I let Penny see me cry? Should I stress her out with things she doesn't understand? How should I act around my friends when I just really want to break down and cry and be hugged by people that love me and want to take away the pain? I'm letting myself cry now, and it is so cleansing, its like the dirt is being washed from my eyes and I'm able to see life in a new light and it seems brighter and more beautiful than before. Instead of seeing Penny's endless energy as exhausting, I want to feed off of it and encourage it. It makes the quiet, peaceful times when I'm watching her fall asleep even more beautiful. She is so vibrant and full of life, sometimes blinding like the sun and her mischievousness just makes me want to laugh at everything she does. I have the craziest, almost desperate, urge to never want to stifle her light. I don't want to tell her for the twentieth time to stop dancing on the table or to stop jumping on my face, which she find hilarious. I just want to revel in her liveliness and view life the way she does, as an incredible gift to be lived to the fullest. Pierce is the same way, smiling and laughing and giggling at his crazy sister. Even with baby #3 on the way (yes, I am pregnant again for those I have not told yet) I know that things are going to be fine. I see it all the time in the way Penny and Pierce play together and in the village that gives me so much incredible support and in my husband who finds the goodness in all of this. God did not give us an easy path, but it is possible one of the most beautiful and blessed paths.
I know this is long and a bit like a jumbled rambling of thoughts, but thank you for hanging in there with me through this. You, my family, my village, my friends, are the ones who keep me going and grounded. Much, much love to all of you tonight and may you have peace in your hearts as I am finding mine.
How did I get so caught up in my life that I didn't make time for us to go see them? When did family become secondary to the daily monotony? I know that people will tell me that I don't have to feel that way because my life is busy and there is something happening every minute of every day, but I think it is important in these moments to look at where our true priorities lie. If I could go back in time, I would push for us to make a trip up there happen instead of trying not to put pressure on Ken to get off of work. I know that of all people, my husband understands the most how precious family is because of how he treats his own family. When we first got married, in my immaturity, I used to take offense to it. He had a new family now, why did he feel like he had to spend so much time with his siblings and parents? I was so very, very naive in those first few months of marriage. Now I feel blessed that I gained THREE amazing sisters, another set of parents, and a whole host of new cousins, titos and titas, and lolos and lolas that love me and treat me as one of their own. Although my family has always been incredibly important to me, we always had this understanding of, "it's life and sometimes it gets in the way". I don't agree with that anymore. We only have a short time together on this earth, and family is one of the most precious things we have. Time and sacrifices should be made so that we can be together. My mom and I have been discussing this a lot in the last few days, both of us realizing how we are letting time slip away from us.
Ken and I decided we will be going to my grandpa's funeral even if it means we have to pack the kids up and drive through the night to get there and spend a day before turning around and driving back that night. Of course, my husband immediately told me when we got the news not to worry about his work schedule, he would take off whatever time he needed to to get us up there. I don't know what I would do without his strength and understanding. He is always my rock, as I know God intended.
I have struggled a lot today with my emotions about all of this, should I let Penny see me cry? Should I stress her out with things she doesn't understand? How should I act around my friends when I just really want to break down and cry and be hugged by people that love me and want to take away the pain? I'm letting myself cry now, and it is so cleansing, its like the dirt is being washed from my eyes and I'm able to see life in a new light and it seems brighter and more beautiful than before. Instead of seeing Penny's endless energy as exhausting, I want to feed off of it and encourage it. It makes the quiet, peaceful times when I'm watching her fall asleep even more beautiful. She is so vibrant and full of life, sometimes blinding like the sun and her mischievousness just makes me want to laugh at everything she does. I have the craziest, almost desperate, urge to never want to stifle her light. I don't want to tell her for the twentieth time to stop dancing on the table or to stop jumping on my face, which she find hilarious. I just want to revel in her liveliness and view life the way she does, as an incredible gift to be lived to the fullest. Pierce is the same way, smiling and laughing and giggling at his crazy sister. Even with baby #3 on the way (yes, I am pregnant again for those I have not told yet) I know that things are going to be fine. I see it all the time in the way Penny and Pierce play together and in the village that gives me so much incredible support and in my husband who finds the goodness in all of this. God did not give us an easy path, but it is possible one of the most beautiful and blessed paths.
I know this is long and a bit like a jumbled rambling of thoughts, but thank you for hanging in there with me through this. You, my family, my village, my friends, are the ones who keep me going and grounded. Much, much love to all of you tonight and may you have peace in your hearts as I am finding mine.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Hello Again
It has been 5 months almost to the day that I have written a blog post. I wish I had time to keep up with it more because there is so much to say and just not enough time. Ultimately, I want this blog to be for future me. I want to be able to look back on all of my motherhood experiences and have memories that I can share with my children when they grow up. To be able to laugh at my naivety and to know that I got better as a person, as a wife and as a mom. Now on to the fun stuff...
Pierce is incredible. He lights up our life just like Penny does and they are just darling together. They love each other so much and Penny is always giving Pierce kisses and kicking him with her flailing limbs (accidentally, of course). He is turning 5 months old on Saturday and I just don't know where the time has gone. I am grateful that these last few months have sped by. Even though people say to cherish every moment, to be completely honest, the first 3-4 months are the hardest for me. I think it is partly from having the kids so close together in age. Pierce and Penny both need constant love, attention, and being held, as young ones do, and many days my body aches from it all.
I am constantly at war with exhaustion and most days I can fend it off. Ken let me sleep a huge chunk of the night last night and it was almost terrible. I woke up feeling more exhausted than I ever have in my life and I simply couldn't keep my eyes open. I think I need to stay in a constant state of near-exhaustion to function. Not healthy, I know, but it is only for a few years (I keep telling myself this, but dear God, please let it only be a few years!). Poor Ken, he just wanted to help but instead created a monster!
School is my biggest struggle right now. Mostly because I absolutely love being a student and not having enough time in the day to be a GOOD student really gets to me. I get frustrated when Pierce or Penny won't go to sleep for the night because I need to take a test or do homework. Then, of course, the mom guilt creeps in because my kids are my #1 priority and really, who cares if I get a C on my exam? I know that I have to sacrifice things in order to have it all, but I really really wish I could give everything in my life 100%. Right now it's 95% kids and 5% school... when they're asleep... if they go to sleep. At this point I just want to graduate and I can't enjoy school the way I normally would.
As always, I am grateful for all of the incredible women in my life that keep me going. My tribe is the best tribe in the entire world and I wouldn't be half the mom I am without them. To end on a positive note, since most of this has been a sob story, every single day has these incredible moments where I just feel like the most blessed person in the entire world to have these two beautiful babies and a husband that loves and cherishes us (that we never get to see, but that's a story for another time). It will hit me out of nowhere and bowl me over. Ultimately, as angry as I get at God sometimes, He has thoroughly blessed me.
Pierce is incredible. He lights up our life just like Penny does and they are just darling together. They love each other so much and Penny is always giving Pierce kisses and kicking him with her flailing limbs (accidentally, of course). He is turning 5 months old on Saturday and I just don't know where the time has gone. I am grateful that these last few months have sped by. Even though people say to cherish every moment, to be completely honest, the first 3-4 months are the hardest for me. I think it is partly from having the kids so close together in age. Pierce and Penny both need constant love, attention, and being held, as young ones do, and many days my body aches from it all.
I am constantly at war with exhaustion and most days I can fend it off. Ken let me sleep a huge chunk of the night last night and it was almost terrible. I woke up feeling more exhausted than I ever have in my life and I simply couldn't keep my eyes open. I think I need to stay in a constant state of near-exhaustion to function. Not healthy, I know, but it is only for a few years (I keep telling myself this, but dear God, please let it only be a few years!). Poor Ken, he just wanted to help but instead created a monster!
School is my biggest struggle right now. Mostly because I absolutely love being a student and not having enough time in the day to be a GOOD student really gets to me. I get frustrated when Pierce or Penny won't go to sleep for the night because I need to take a test or do homework. Then, of course, the mom guilt creeps in because my kids are my #1 priority and really, who cares if I get a C on my exam? I know that I have to sacrifice things in order to have it all, but I really really wish I could give everything in my life 100%. Right now it's 95% kids and 5% school... when they're asleep... if they go to sleep. At this point I just want to graduate and I can't enjoy school the way I normally would.
As always, I am grateful for all of the incredible women in my life that keep me going. My tribe is the best tribe in the entire world and I wouldn't be half the mom I am without them. To end on a positive note, since most of this has been a sob story, every single day has these incredible moments where I just feel like the most blessed person in the entire world to have these two beautiful babies and a husband that loves and cherishes us (that we never get to see, but that's a story for another time). It will hit me out of nowhere and bowl me over. Ultimately, as angry as I get at God sometimes, He has thoroughly blessed me.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Welcome Baby!!
Ken and I are ecstatic to welcome our new baby boy into the world! Pierce Matthew Palaad was born at 11:30ish pm on Easter Sunday, April 5th, 2015. It was an extremely difficult labor and by the end, my uterus was so exhausted that it wouldn't contract after Pierce was born. I hemorrhaged and Karen and ger team have me a bunch of different medications to help stop the bleeding. It slowed down but she was concerned about how much blood I had lost so I took an ambulance to the hospital and Ken and Pierce followed right behind. Now we are in postpartum being starved! Haha jk, but seriously graham crackers and peanut,butter never tasted so good. We are relaxing here for most of the day until I'm discharged. We are so blessed and thankful for all of you!
Sunday, April 5, 2015
how much longer?!?!?!
This is Kenneth again.
I dont know how much more of this I can take! My arms are tired...
Just kidding =)
But seriously though, I kinda wish labor pains can be delegated...that would make it so much easier! Why hasnt anyone come up with that yet?
Steph's getting in the tub now...
I dont know how much more of this I can take! My arms are tired...
Just kidding =)
But seriously though, I kinda wish labor pains can be delegated...that would make it so much easier! Why hasnt anyone come up with that yet?
Steph's getting in the tub now...
here.
So Steph just handed me the laptop and apparently expects me to write a blog post...
Here goes:
Shetp is dinog geart! She is siltl simling and in good sirptis. We are hpiong taht tihs bbay cemos out soon!
Here goes:
Shetp is dinog geart! She is siltl simling and in good sirptis. We are hpiong taht tihs bbay cemos out soon!
The Real Thing!
I have been having strong, difficult to talk through contractions for about the last three hours. Ken and I went to get Penny and my mom settled in at his Aunts house in HIghland and while we were there, I was having two contractions back to back in a five minute span with a 7-9 minute break inbetween. They offered to have us stay for dinner but I knew we needed to get home and call Karen. Now they are coming even quicker and I am having to pause in between writing this to have Ken apply counter pressure to my hips. All really great signs!! Karen and her troops are on their way. Someone else might be doing the updating from this point on, but I will try to keep everyone in the loop. Here we go, baby!!!
Belly Binding
As morning came, I knew that since I had not yet had the baby that it probably wasn't going to be happening until later tonight. Daytime brings about a different feeling, not one that is particularly conducive to laboring. After talking to Heather and Andrea, the student midwives, they encouraged me to try belly binding today and see if it helps baby move into a better position. SO, I'm now sitting, belly bound, on the couch, watching Netflix and my contractions have been feeling much better. Before, I was feeling the contractions deep in my round ligament and the pain was NOT fun. Now my contractions are more centrally located and much less painful. Hopefully that means baby is in a better position too! Karen and her team left so that I could have a peaceful day and, as much as I want the baby to be here already, I am glad they are able to spend Easter with their families! (I think maybe I just have a super polite baby that doesn't want to interrupt anyone's schedule haha). They will be back as soon as I call them with news, but until then, Ken and I are just going about our day, anticipating the arrival of our little one and talking about baby names. Who knows, we may even get crazy and go see a movie or something! Happy Easter everyone! Thank you for being a part of this journey. I will keep everyone up to date as always. Feel free to text me if you want to check in :). I am missing my village, but I can't wait for all of you to meet this little one!
Call the Midwife
My contractions got stronger and I decided it was time to call Karen and let her know the update. She and her wonderful team just got here and are setting up all of their equipment. I still hadn't lost my mucus plug though and so Karen asked if I wanted to be checked to see where I am at for dilation. I got up to go to the bathroom and low and behold I lost my mucus plug! It's not a definitive sign that I'm having the baby soon but it does mean that things are moving in the right direction. Andrea did my cervical exam and I am dilated to about a 4. Not a huge number, but again, definite progress! Before Karen got here I was in the birth pool sleeping in between contractions and I am hoping to fall back into that rhythm so that my body and baby can do what they need to do without my mind getting in the way. We might be having an Easter Baby, we shall see!!
Labor Pains
Well, I have been having MUCH stronger contractions the last few hours. I was still able to sleep through some of them so I got a little bit of sleep. I don't feel anymore rested than before and I can feel how hard my body is working to make this baby happen. Even though the pain of the contractions have gotten worse, they are still stubbornly holding at about 8-10 minutes apart exactly. I can feel them building but they just aren't getting more frequent. I kicked Ken off to bed to have him get some sleep and for a little alone time to myself. It is interesting how much I have kind of wanted to be alone during this labor so far.
Ken and I went to dinner at Red Robin and I had a delicious burger... let's hope I don't regret it later!! I'm off to try to get more sleep, at least a few cat naps between contractions.
Ken and I went to dinner at Red Robin and I had a delicious burger... let's hope I don't regret it later!! I'm off to try to get more sleep, at least a few cat naps between contractions.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
A much needed break
My wonderful parents offered to take Penny for the night so that Ken and I can have some time to ourselves and relax. I am so grateful! Today has been very tiring, even with multiple naps. The contractions died down for about two hours, but my body still felt tired and my sciatic pain was worse than ever. Cramping and shooting pains all down my right leg and into my foot. Luckily, at around 4:00 pm I had a really strong contraction and the pain went away. I have to say a big Thank you to my uterus for helping moving the little one to a better position. I have had a few strong contractions three to four times in the last two hours, so hopefully we will be seeing some tangible progress soon! I know I will look back on this and probably have amnesia about how tiring it was, so I am going to keep that mindset.
I was too tired to do my homework earlier and took a nap instead, now I am trying to power through it so it is one less thing to worry about! Keep sending those good vibes!!
I was too tired to do my homework earlier and took a nap instead, now I am trying to power through it so it is one less thing to worry about! Keep sending those good vibes!!
Long Haul
After a long 12 hours of the same thing, I gave my amazing midwife another call to talk about my status and how things are going. She mentioned to me that it seems like I am in prodromal labor. Meaning that I have all the feelings of early labor starting and then it could stop out of nowhere, typically around the same time each day and not return until the next day or a couple of hours later. Considering I have felt like I have been in and out of labor for the last couple weeks, I still feel like this is progress. SO what this means is... you could all be reading this blog for the next three days or I could go into active labor tonight. There really is no way of knowing so I am going about my day as usual and just allowing my body to prepare for this baby. Luckily, my midwife knows exactly the right things to say and instead of being discouraged, I actually feel at peace. This is just another stage of labor, not a very fun one, but just as necessary!
She gave me a few tips and encouraged me to rest which is a lot easier with my mom here. I have decided to work on my schoolwork, take a nap, and then go hop in the pool again since the baby seemed to absolutely love that.
Thanks for hanging in there with me, guys! Your support and love mean everything and I love seeing all of your words of encouragement. It makes such a huge difference!
She gave me a few tips and encouraged me to rest which is a lot easier with my mom here. I have decided to work on my schoolwork, take a nap, and then go hop in the pool again since the baby seemed to absolutely love that.
Thanks for hanging in there with me, guys! Your support and love mean everything and I love seeing all of your words of encouragement. It makes such a huge difference!
In Between
Well, I haven't updated in a while because honestly, there hasn't been much change. Same distance between contraction and they are only slightly more intense. I'm ready to get things moving, but I know that I am not in control here, my body is. I know early labor can be extremely long so I am mentally preparing for a long haul. With no basis for my labor the first time, I'm just winging it! I was able to sleep for about two more hours, which is good. Daylight has a different energy than the night and I don't feel like it is very conducive to labor. I may try to shut myself off some more and just stay in a quiet, dark space. Natalie's words keep running through my head that it is all about what is going on between the ears... that your mental state during labor really drives the show.
Keep sending those positive vibes!! I have loved hearing from everyone and I can definitely feel the love!
Keep sending those positive vibes!! I have loved hearing from everyone and I can definitely feel the love!
Blood Moon
I woke up just in time to see the Blood Moon.It was pretty cool. I can't remember the last time I watched a lunar eclipse! I was able to sleep for a solid two hours, only waking minimally when a strong contraction hit. I'm back to timing them and I'm still getting about the same time in between each contraction, about ten minutes. They are lasting a little longer though and are a little bit stronger. My mom is on her way up to watch Penny for us so Ken can hopefully get some sleep. This cough/cold has kept her up for a good portion of the night, plus the full moon is giving her tons of energy. She just wants to run around and play at 2:00 am. Maybe she just knows she's going to meet her sibling soon and can't sleep for all the excitement. Here's the best pic I could get of the blood moon with my terrible little phone lens:
Well, I'm going to keep timing and see how things go. I'll keep you all posted!
Early Labor
I think we may have made it to official early labor! I've felt like I was in early labor for the last week and man, it has been a mental trip. The constant feelings of "Oh! I think it's going to start!" to realizing that there really isn't anything happening. It's a battle of endurance that I honestly could compare to labor itself. Luckily, I have an amazing group of friends that have kept me busy and distracted, especially with Penny being sick. I finally broke down around 7:00 pm last night and called my mom crying about how I was just plain OVER it. We talked through so much and, as moms do, she turned my whole night around. So... onto the beginning!
My mom and I discussed a few ideas to help me de-stress and really focus on the baby and we came up with a swim in the pool to get myself outside and clear my head. I squeezed into my bathing suit which now barely fits but added a little bit of support to my huge belly. Man it is a gorgeous night! It was still a tiny bit warm and my apartment complex heats the swimming pool to a perfect temp. The full moon was absolutely mesmerizing. I just lazed in the water, visualizing holding my new little one and talking to them. All of a sudden the baby started moving and kicking like crazy! It felt like the baby's head was banging into my pelvis while it's fingers poked at my cervix, plus kicking it's legs out. My midwife had mentioned that the baby might be in a position that was not putting enough pressure on my cervix and that was why I wasn't going into labor. Now, however, between the tightness of my swimsuit and the buoyancy of the water, I felt baby shift and change into a better position with every movement. Whatever discomfort I felt was outweighed by the fact that I knew the little one had re-positioned itself. After about an hour of the relaxing water, I dragged myself out of the warm pool into the chilly air and made a run for it back home. I hopped in a warm shower and then went to work on my hair. As I was ripping my brush through the tangles, I felt the first real contraction! I nonchalantly mentioned it to Ken, trying really hard not to get excited. After about 30 minutes, he asked me if we should start timing them and I thought that was probably a good idea. We have been timing for two hours now and they are an average of 10 minutes apart, each lasting about a minute. I called my mom to let her know to slowly start heading this direction (she is planning on watching Penny for us during the labor). Now I am off to call Karen, our midwife and let her know all of the info! I will try my best to keep all of you updated at least once an hour until it gets to be too much, then I may have someone else fill in the blanks!
My mom and I discussed a few ideas to help me de-stress and really focus on the baby and we came up with a swim in the pool to get myself outside and clear my head. I squeezed into my bathing suit which now barely fits but added a little bit of support to my huge belly. Man it is a gorgeous night! It was still a tiny bit warm and my apartment complex heats the swimming pool to a perfect temp. The full moon was absolutely mesmerizing. I just lazed in the water, visualizing holding my new little one and talking to them. All of a sudden the baby started moving and kicking like crazy! It felt like the baby's head was banging into my pelvis while it's fingers poked at my cervix, plus kicking it's legs out. My midwife had mentioned that the baby might be in a position that was not putting enough pressure on my cervix and that was why I wasn't going into labor. Now, however, between the tightness of my swimsuit and the buoyancy of the water, I felt baby shift and change into a better position with every movement. Whatever discomfort I felt was outweighed by the fact that I knew the little one had re-positioned itself. After about an hour of the relaxing water, I dragged myself out of the warm pool into the chilly air and made a run for it back home. I hopped in a warm shower and then went to work on my hair. As I was ripping my brush through the tangles, I felt the first real contraction! I nonchalantly mentioned it to Ken, trying really hard not to get excited. After about 30 minutes, he asked me if we should start timing them and I thought that was probably a good idea. We have been timing for two hours now and they are an average of 10 minutes apart, each lasting about a minute. I called my mom to let her know to slowly start heading this direction (she is planning on watching Penny for us during the labor). Now I am off to call Karen, our midwife and let her know all of the info! I will try my best to keep all of you updated at least once an hour until it gets to be too much, then I may have someone else fill in the blanks!
Saturday, March 28, 2015
How to Prep for a Homebirth
Waiting for baby to come has been hard, but I definitely haven't been lacking in things to do! I decided to compile a list of things that helped me prep for this birth, we'll see if any of it was effective!
1. Clean the House
...and then clean it again.... and then clean it again and again and again. Basically, wash, rinse, repeat, until you feel like it is as clean as it's going to get. With Penny (and a husband who doesn't like putting clothes in hampers) I feel like my house is in a constant state of disarray. I'll clean only to have things explode again. I think I have gone through and cleaned probably 10 times now. Plus, you have no idea when the baby is going to come so most days I wake up saying "if the baby comes today, I'm screwed!" As of today though, I have definitely hit nesting stage and I'm picking up the house like crazy! Hopefully this is a good sign.
2. Set up the Birth Tub
I let Ken handle this one cause he likes to figure things out. Of course he had it set up in about ten minutes. Let me just say, the Aqua Doula birth tub we are using is miraculous. I am in heaven and I'm not even in labor yet. I think every birthing women deserves to labor in water. It brings a different aspect to the pain and makes it more manageable. I love that it is a more gentle entrance into the world for baby as well, from water to water.
3. Buy your Homebirth Kit
It was so much fun going over all aspects of the birth kit at our homevisit. The midwives explained all the different tools and what they would be used for. Having so many friends in the medical field helps too. I have enough chucks and mesh panties to last me through three homebirths.
4. Set everything up!
I finally got around to this today... now everything is organized and ready to go.
1. Clean the House
...and then clean it again.... and then clean it again and again and again. Basically, wash, rinse, repeat, until you feel like it is as clean as it's going to get. With Penny (and a husband who doesn't like putting clothes in hampers) I feel like my house is in a constant state of disarray. I'll clean only to have things explode again. I think I have gone through and cleaned probably 10 times now. Plus, you have no idea when the baby is going to come so most days I wake up saying "if the baby comes today, I'm screwed!" As of today though, I have definitely hit nesting stage and I'm picking up the house like crazy! Hopefully this is a good sign.
2. Set up the Birth Tub
I let Ken handle this one cause he likes to figure things out. Of course he had it set up in about ten minutes. Let me just say, the Aqua Doula birth tub we are using is miraculous. I am in heaven and I'm not even in labor yet. I think every birthing women deserves to labor in water. It brings a different aspect to the pain and makes it more manageable. I love that it is a more gentle entrance into the world for baby as well, from water to water.
3. Buy your Homebirth Kit
It was so much fun going over all aspects of the birth kit at our homevisit. The midwives explained all the different tools and what they would be used for. Having so many friends in the medical field helps too. I have enough chucks and mesh panties to last me through three homebirths.
4. Set everything up!
I finally got around to this today... now everything is organized and ready to go.
5. Make sure you have a fully stocked fridge!
This one is hard because I feel like I need to go grocery shopping every day! We have been eating so many meals in that we start out with everything ready to go and then eat it all so quickly. Now we need to go grocery shopping again but with Ken's crazy work schedule and how tired I am, I might have to just wing it!
6. Have a plan for your other children
My mom and I had figured out that she would come and get Penny as soon as I went into labor but there were so many unknown details! It is hard to plan for a bunch of different scenarios. Luckily I have an awesome community and many friends who offered to be back-ups in case of traffic or some other unforeseen circumstance. It makes me feel so much better knowing that Penny will be all taken care of!!
7. Occupy yourself
I'm finally ready to go, but baby is on it's own schedule. I am just trying to keep myself as busy as possible till this baby gets here!
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Waiting, and waiting and waiting
I have decided to follow in the footsteps of the amazing Natalie Johnson and blog during my labor! I want everyone to be a part of it and to be able to follow along with what is happening. I have received so much support this pregnancy and I am so excited to meet our new addition. I know everyone is excited too and I can't wait to share this bundle of joy with you guys.
Now that we are at the tail end of the pregnancy, it feels like the days are just dragging on. Of course, they are dragging on with laughter and love and beauty and an adorable, hilarious little girl and wonderful husband. I'm trying to soak up every moment I have left of being a parent of just one but I'm finding myself more introspective by the day as my focus shifts to the new arrival. We picked up our birth tub, the "Aqua Doula" (love the name!) on Tuesday at our prenatal appointment with Karen and we got to choose our student midwives too. I'm excited to say that Andrea and Heather will be at our birth! I feel such a strong connection to both of them and I am so grateful that I am able to choose my birth team. It is such a stark difference from a hospital birth that it is almost glaring, but I won't get into that now ;).
I'm working on riding the wave of positive vibes that everyone is sending me. I ran into some interesting negativity yesterday and it reminded me how easy it is to focus on one small negative experience and how quickly it can override all of the positivity. Luckily, I talked through it with my husband and was able to release it. He is great at reminding me to let go of the little things and that sometimes people speak from a place of hurting and to be sympathetic to their situation instead of judging their actions.
It is now Thursday and I am 38 weeks along (technically 39 weeks along) so we are really in the home stretch now. Ken is off to take the car in for service and Penny and I are off to meet up with our friends at Olive Market (if she ever wakes up from her nap that is!)
I will try to write every day to keep everyone updated but I can't make any promises with schoolwork also in the balance. All I know is that things are good, and this little baby will come when it's ready!
Now that we are at the tail end of the pregnancy, it feels like the days are just dragging on. Of course, they are dragging on with laughter and love and beauty and an adorable, hilarious little girl and wonderful husband. I'm trying to soak up every moment I have left of being a parent of just one but I'm finding myself more introspective by the day as my focus shifts to the new arrival. We picked up our birth tub, the "Aqua Doula" (love the name!) on Tuesday at our prenatal appointment with Karen and we got to choose our student midwives too. I'm excited to say that Andrea and Heather will be at our birth! I feel such a strong connection to both of them and I am so grateful that I am able to choose my birth team. It is such a stark difference from a hospital birth that it is almost glaring, but I won't get into that now ;).
I'm working on riding the wave of positive vibes that everyone is sending me. I ran into some interesting negativity yesterday and it reminded me how easy it is to focus on one small negative experience and how quickly it can override all of the positivity. Luckily, I talked through it with my husband and was able to release it. He is great at reminding me to let go of the little things and that sometimes people speak from a place of hurting and to be sympathetic to their situation instead of judging their actions.
It is now Thursday and I am 38 weeks along (technically 39 weeks along) so we are really in the home stretch now. Ken is off to take the car in for service and Penny and I are off to meet up with our friends at Olive Market (if she ever wakes up from her nap that is!)
I will try to write every day to keep everyone updated but I can't make any promises with schoolwork also in the balance. All I know is that things are good, and this little baby will come when it's ready!
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