There's Always One More Dish

You know how you're washing dishes (for those of you that don't have a dishwasher) and you start to get excited because the pile of dishes is slowly getting smaller and you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel?  Your adrenalin begins to pump and you make that final push to the end, breathing a sigh of relief that you finally finished the dishes you have been putting off for a few days, when suddenly you turn around to look at the stove and your heart sinks, because sitting there is the dirtiest, most difficult dish to wash of all.  It's sitting there because it wouldn't fit in the sink with all of the other dirty dishes. Of course it's also the largest pan you have to wash and a huge part of you wants to pretend that you hadn't seen it. But, you did, and now it is going to bug you for the rest of the day if it isn't complete.

Well, motherhood is kind of like that some days (let's be honest, it's like that most days).  You look around the house at everything you need to do and start to make a checklist.  Get the baby down for a nap is always #1 because there is really no way to do things when you are trying to hold your baby.  After you've accomplished #1, you quickly start to fly around the house completing tasks because you know you only have two hours (or less) before you have to feed the baby again.  Right when you complete your last task, you suddenly realize that there is one more thing to do but at that exact moment, the baby has woken up and needs to eat again. You get that sinking feeling because you know your last task is not going to get done that day and you are going to go to bed thinking about it.  Sometimes you even decide to give up some of your precious sleep time to complete it because you know that you won't be able to sleep well without it done.

 It makes me realize how much I under-appreciated not only my own mother, but mothers everywhere.  I am slowly learning to let go of the little things that I cannot do, hopefully it will become easier!  I know it is okay to not be able to do everything all the time, but sometimes I hold myself to way too high a standard.

I am about to head to bed for a few hours of shut-eye before breastfeeding calls again.  It has been one of those hectic days, but I am thankful for my family and I can't wait for my mom to come over tomorrow.  She always helps put my mind at ease and encourages me when I am just plain exhausted.

I am counting today as a victory since I was able to do the laundry, cook dinner, and wash all of the dishes. Plus hang out with my little one and my crazy husband ;)

Good night!

-Steph

Love

There are so many things that I considered writing about today.  My days are so full that I constantly find myself thinking, I need to write this down so I remember it!  I found one moment in my day that completely trumped all others and I think it is really important to focus on these small but profound moments.

So, I was sitting with my daughter and trying to calm her enough to fall asleep.  The last few days had been really full and overwhelming at times with so many events to go to and people that wanted to see Penny, that I knew we just needed some bonding time to relax and get back into our routine.  Ken was fast asleep on the other side of the couch having knocked out from pure exhaustion and I was hoping to get a little nap in too before making dinner.  I was rocking Penny to sleep and decided to start singing to her.  Her little eyes stared at me transfixed as I made up songs for her and her lids began to get heavy and she slowly nodded off.  In that moment, I was overwhelmed with such a strong feeling of love that I could't keep myself from crying.  I kept singing to her for a while longer and felt so grateful for being given the gift of music and for everyone that encouraged music in my life.  I can't wait to share music with my daughter.

Penny is starting to become more alert every day and it is fun to watch her discover the world.  God has truly blessed Ken and I and we both feel honored to be Penny's parents.

Ken has work off for three days and I am cherishing the extra time we all get to spend together.  I don't know what I would do without such a wonderful husband who would move the world for his daughter.  He is such a good daddy and always puts his needs aside for Penny and I.

I am excited for sleep and for possibly taking Penny to church for the first time tomorrow!


Good night and lots of love,

-Steph

 Taking a nap on daddies chest with the beautiful quilt Auntie Margaret made for Penny!

 Penny's first bath!!  Don't let that face fool you... she loved it!

Ready or Not...

Here...
It was May 7th at 7:30 am in the morning, Ken had just gotten home from an all night shift at the hospital and we were rushing around trying to get ready for our ultrasound appointment.  I was anxious about the appointment because I didn't want to hear any bad news.  I only wanted to hear that our baby was happy and healthy.  I was 38 weeks and 5 days at this point which is considered full term.  We headed out to the ultrasound at the hospital and waited for an hour until we could go in.  After the ultrasound was finished, the tech said that everything looked great except that she needed to show the ultrasound to the Doctor and then we would be on our way.  The doctor came in about 5 min later with a panicked voice and said that I had polyhydramnios and would have to be induced by Saturday at the latest, if not that day.  Ken and I were shocked of course and both of us didn't know what to think.  We had suspected polyhydramnios but had no concerns because the baby had looked so healthy on all of the ultrasounds and at all of the doctors appointments. Polyhydramnios is an excess amount of amniotic fluid that is sometimes caused by any number of different things from cleft palate to genetic disorders.  50% of the time, however, they have no idea what causes it.  The major concern tends to be still-birth, which was my doctor's concern.  They paged my doctor who happened to be on call and sent me to get monitored.  Penny and I were monitored for 20 minutes and both of us were looking great until seconds before the nurse took the monitor off when the nurse noticed that it appeared that Penny's heart rate had slowed as I was having a contraction.  This was what they didn't want to see.  They then sent me over to triage at labor and delivery to be monitored for another two hours.  Penny was moving around so much during the monitoring that they couldn't get a good read on her.  Dr. Caruso had seen a few questionable decelerations and came in to tell us that she wanted me to be induced that day.

We...
They brought me over to my room which was to be my room for both the labor and the delivery and Dr. Caruso explained that I would have a cervical ripening agent put in to open my cervix and hopefully begin my labor.  This would take twelve hours and then they would check to see my progress and asses if they needed another round of it.  Twelve hours of mild contracting later, I was ready to get this show on the road.  Dr. Henderson, a 3rd year resident, came in to check my progress and told me that I was 4 cm dilated, great news!! My mom had driven up as soon as she heard from me and I felt immediately better having her there.  My contractions were starting to get more intense and I thought that things were really starting to get moving.  The nurse came in a little while later though and stuck a needle in my arm and said that it was medication to slow down my contractions.  I was confused since I thought that the contractions meant I was making progress but they were worried that I was going to get too tired and that the contractions weren't productive.  They said that it would make my contractions less painful... ya, that didn't happen!  They came in an hour later and said that they were now going to start me on pitocin to strengthen and regulate my contractions.  I knew things were going to get more difficult at this point because pitocin causes really strong contractions.  I was still able to handle the pain though and I knew I wanted to do this without any medication.  My new nurse Donna came in around noon to talk to me about the option of a controlled break of my water.  Because there was so much fluid, there was a concern that the umbilical cord might end up slipping under the babies head if my water broke naturally.  I had learned from my childbirth class that that would mean an emergency c-section, one of the most dangerous because they would have to get the baby out within minutes.  I was about  6 cm dilated at this point and moving along well.  At around 3:00, I talked with Donna and decided that I wanted a controlled break.  She went and grabbed the resident and they broke my water with no complications.  I was at 7 cm and I new I was getting close to the end.  I knew that at 8 cm I would be hitting transition and then pushing would start soon after that.  Around 7:00 pm, I was getting excited because one of the male residents had checked and said I was at 8 cm.  At 7:30, all of a sudden, Dr. Henderson came in and started talking to me about how we might have to go to a c-section since the baby's heart rate had spiked and my seemed high as well.  That immediately threw Ken and I into a tail spin.  A c-section?!  After what had already been 30 hours of grueling labor??  I kept thinking, I did not go through all of this pain to have this end in a c-section!  I asked Dr. Henderson to at least check me and see how far along I was.  She said that I was actually at an 8.5 cm, 95% effaced (thinness of the cervix), and that the babies head was at a +1.  She then realized that the spike in heart rate was due to the baby's head engaging in the cervix, Hallelujah!!!  It looked like no c-section and we were almost to the end!  At that point Donna had to leave and was replaced by Debbie, who was also wonderful and completely supportive of my desire to be med-free.  Debbie then told me to let her know when I started to feel pressure and the urge to push and she would come back to check on me.

Go!
My contractions were extremely intense at this point and had been for quite a few hours.  I had been in active labor for about 20 hours and was so tired that I would fall dead asleep in between every contraction and wake up as soon as another one was starting.  The only thing that got me through the pain was holding my husband's and sister's hands, listening to my sister's voice as she walked me through each contraction and using controlled breathing while focusing on a single point on the wall. My mom had taken over the role of keeping my dad informed with what was happening and was communicating with my cousin as well. When an hour had gone by and the nurse told me I was still at an 8.5 and I wasn't feeling much pressure, ken suggested that we attach the bar to the bed that I could hold onto while squatting.  I refused at first, but he insisted (thank God)  and I sat forward over the bar in a squatting position.  All of a sudden things started to happen.  I began to get a really strong urge to push and I told him to get the nurse because I thought that it was time.  The nurse came in and said that I was at a 9 and that I should hold back from pushing because I might tear my cervix.  Let me tell you, that was the most difficult part of the entire labor.  My whole body was screaming for me to push and I had to hold back.  The pain of holding back was so intense it made me cry.  After three contractions like that I begged Ken to get the nurse again and have her check me.  He warned me that the more times I was checked, the greater the chance of infection and I told him that the baby was going to push itself out if I didn't get the OK to start pushing.  He got the nurse and she checked me and said I was at a 9.5 and that all that was left was a small lip of my cervix covering the baby's head.  She said to continue not pushing and I told her that it was almost impossible.  She suggested that I try lying on my back to get the last bit to move and so I did.  I was able to handle two more contractions in that position before I told Ken that I absolutely could not hold back from pushing any longer.  He was skeptical but got the nurse any ways and she brought Dr. Henderson to check me.  Dr. Henderson jammed her fingers up me not so gently (it seemed that was her style) and finally said that I was at 10 and ready to push.  I have never been so relieved in my life.  Debbie then went over pushing with me and I did my first push.  After the first one, Debbie said "oh man, we have to get the doctor in here, you are a good pusher!"  They rushed to get the attending and two residents to come back for the delivery.  Dr.  Henderson was encouraging me the entire time.  Ken was holding one leg and Debbie holding the other and I was able to push.  I had completely forgotten about the "Ring of Fire" but when I got to that point I simply yelled my way through it and Penny was out!  They put her to my chest right away crying and screaming and I was ecstatic.  Ken and I were overjoyed and I was so thankful to finally be holding my baby after 33 hours.  It was so special that my mom and sister were able to be there and share in the moment with Ken and I.  After two hours of skin-to-skin and breastfeeding.  They wheeled me over to postpartum (where the comfortable beds are haha) and I finally got to rest.  Ken went with Penny to the nursery and I fell asleep until they got back.  When I woke up, the blood had been mysteriously washed off (most likely our wonderful post-partum nurse Connie). and I was able to hold Penny again, who had also been given a bath.  They sent us home after two days and a whole new journey began.

And now, with the little one sleeping on my chest and Ken just off to work, I am going to get some rest,

Goodnight!

-Steph and Penny

Little Penelope Gwen

My daughter inspired this blog.  She is only two and a half weeks old right now and having the most profound impact on our lives.  You think you know love until you have a child, but you also think that you know what failure and disappoint are until you have a little one.  Let me tell you, I am learning that I know nothing about any of those!  Penny is teaching me about love all over again and I am glad that I am coming to more fully understand what that means.  Failure is another story.  I have had moments where I have felt as though I failed myself or someone else, but it pales in comparison to failing your child, but more on that later.  I am learning about being disappointed in myself as well and from this I am learning how to forgive and grow from my failings.

Not to get all doom and gloom on you in the first post, I promise there will be tons of bright moments, but my goal is to be as honest as possible and to maybe, hopefully, help someone else who might be struggling.  Motherhood is a beautiful and terrifying thing.  I think it is through being a mother that I will truly come to know myself and I am greatly looking forward to that.  On top of it, I get the blessing and challenge of raising a beautiful baby girl.  We, as women, don't like to talk about how we've struggled because it means that we are failing in one way or another.  Well I'm here to tell you The Struggle is Real!  and normal and wonderful, and difficult all at the same time.

I can’t wait to delve deeper into what motherhood is and I am hoping this blog helps keep me semi-sane. 

I will start with my labor story, not to quote The Sound of Music or anything but it seems “a very good place to start.” 

-Steph