What doesn't get done...

My mom is one of the mot incredible women I know, so you will continue to see her words of wisdom on this blog!  I have a new motto this Christmas season and I have her to thank for it.

I was rushing around like a mad woman, trying to prepare for hosting my very first cookie exchange (a tradition that my mom had started and that I wanted to continue).  It was the day of the exchange and I had almost everything done-- except that the house was still a complete mess and I had yet to bake any cookies for said party.  Sensing my stress, Penny decided to reflect it by not wanting to take a nap and needing to be held (completely my fault, and I knew it).  Let me tell you, it is nearly impossible to clean or bake holding a baby.  I had been up until 3 am the night before getting everything ready and making small gifts for the ladies at the breastfeeding support group and was running on almost empty.  My mom texted me at the perfect moment and said, "I will be thinking about you all day.  Have a blast and remember: What doesn't get done wasn't supposed to."  I immediately stopped, took a deep breath, said a prayer, and let go of everything.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  Because really, I was having mommy friends over, who all completely understand what it is like to have a baby and be trying to do everything.  And honestly, the cookie exchange was a total success , thanks to the help of Veronica and despite my cookies turning out a complete mess.

The cookie exchange was such a great reminder for me about what is important this season. It's not about the cookies or the gifts or rushing around to make everything perfect, it's just about celebrating all of the wonderful people in your life.  I am so thankful for my mommy friends, that show me new depths of love and compassion, and all of my friends who have been with me through thick and thin and are always there to catch me.

Remember this Christmas, that whatever you are rushing around trying to finish, it is not as important as the people in your life.  I'm making it a goal that every Christmas season will be stress free and that I will stay focused on God and his love and mercy.

Have a very merry Christmas everyone!

An Open Letter to Dr. Caruso

Dr. Caruso,

It is time.  Time to tell you how I really feel and have felt for quite a while.  I was never treated with respect by you.  You tried to scare me with stories of natural births that had gone wrong and laughed while telling their stories as if it were ridiculous to even hope for .  I told you I wanted to birth without pain medication and your response was “Well, if you are screaming and tearing down the curtains, we will give you something for the pain.”  The funny part?  The only sound I made during labor was when I pushed my baby’s head out of my vagina.  When, I asked you about a doula, you defensively responded “Your husband is your greatest coach.”  My husband is fantastic, but he is new to childbirth as well!  How is he supposed to advocate for me and coach me and keep me sane all while I'm trying to squeeze his hand off and he is trying to stay awake after being up for 60 hours straight?

 You constantly berated me about my weight saying you were worried about my health and how I was going to be able to lose it after the baby came.  I am athletic, and I know how to work out and I eat healthy.  I don’t appreciate that you made me feel like I am hurting the health of my baby by gaining 35 TOTAL pounds while pregnant (This is even within the accepted range!).  I didn’t appreciate your looks of pity and constant replies of “looks like it’s going to be a big baby. We are going to induce you if it looks like more than 9 lbs on the ultrasound and we will talk about c-section if the baby looks too big.”  You made me cry after almost every appointment, but that one was the worst.  I wasn’t even going to be allowed to try a natural labor simply because of the size of my baby?  I would sit in the car with my husband and weep because you had made me so stressed out about my baby’s health.  I had an almost completely normal pregnancy, minus the polyhydramnios.  I was not high risk, my baby was healthy and so was I.  However, after my glucose test came back normal, all you could say was “It’s only because you are young that you don’t have gestational diabetes.”  Basically assuming that I ate horribly and didn’t care about my or my baby’s health. 

I finally took back a smidgen of control when I decided NOT to go to an unnecessary ultrasound.  Your response? “We need to get you in immediately to see the size of the baby.”  I told you I didn’t care about how big my baby was.  I went to the ultrasound and was frantically told by the high risk ultrasound doctor that I should be induced that day or a few days later at the latest because of the excess fluid.  I was only 38 weeks and 5 days.  After 33 hours of labor with no pain medication and Pitocin,  I pushed my beautiful baby girl into the world with no problems (despite the resident’s lack of faith and wanting a c-section for me).  And what did you ask me at my 6 week appointment?  “How big was she?” I responded with 8 lbs 5 oz and you said “Aren’t you glad we didn’t wait any longer?  She would have been too big!”  So now I wonder all the time, did you induce me because it was absolutely medically necessary, or was it because you wanted to be the one to place my cervadil and didn’t want me to risk birthing a “big baby”?  

I’m still healing from the care I received from you.  The nurses I will leave out of my critique because they were supportive and incredible.  But a lot of my birth story still holds anger and resentment for me, instead of power and strength.   I am taking back that power right now because I deserve it, and so does my next baby.

Now I get to tell you the good part- I’m choosing homebirth for my next baby due in April and my midwife is incredible.  I ultimately have to say thank you because, without your poor care, I would not have had a reason to find a better option for me and my family.  I will be in full control of my birth and I have educated myself on the dangers and joys of homebirth.  I am not stepping into this birth blindly the way I did with my first.  I put my trust and faith in you and you failed me as my care provider.  I have learned so much and I am so lucky to be supported in my choices by both my family and my husband.  I didn’t know that it was possible to be excited about labor!  I can’t wait to birth my baby and I am at peace with however my birth story turns out because I know I will be given the chance to have a completely successful natural birth.  If this does not happen, my birth will still be beautiful because I was in control and empowered to make my own choices with the guidance of my midwife. 

I wish you could experience natural homebirth, at least by attending one, so that you can see what you are doing to women in the hospital and what you are missing out on.  I feel sorry that you have been jaded by bad experiences and no longer believe in wholesome, natural, or women-empowered childbirth.  I hope you can heal from the traumas that you have seen at the hospital births and have faith in women and their bodies again.  I pray you get to experience your own healing births through women who experience joy in labor and childbirth.  Then, there will be no more fear for you, only faith in your skills and knowledge that women are capable and have the strength to face challenges for the health of their babies.  You can make a huge difference in childbirth, I just wish you could see it.

Sincerely,

Stephanie Palaad