Dr. Caruso,
It is time. Time to tell you how I really feel and have felt for quite a while. I was never treated with respect by you. You tried to scare me with stories of natural births
that had gone wrong and laughed while telling their stories as if it were ridiculous to even hope for . I told you I wanted
to birth without pain medication and your response was “Well, if you are
screaming and tearing down the curtains, we will give you something for the
pain.” The funny part? The only sound I made during labor was when I
pushed my baby’s head out of my vagina. When, I
asked you about a doula, you defensively responded “Your husband is your
greatest coach.” My husband is
fantastic, but he is new to childbirth as well! How is he supposed to advocate for me and coach me and keep me sane all while I'm trying to squeeze his hand off and he is trying to stay awake after being up for 60 hours straight?
You constantly berated me about my weight
saying you were worried about my health and how I was going to be able to lose
it after the baby came. I am athletic,
and I know how to work out and I eat healthy.
I don’t appreciate that you made me feel like I am hurting the health of
my baby by gaining 35 TOTAL pounds while pregnant (This is even within the
accepted range!). I didn’t appreciate
your looks of pity and constant replies of “looks like it’s going to be a big
baby. We are going to induce you if it looks like more than 9 lbs on the
ultrasound and we will talk about c-section if the baby looks too big.” You made me cry after almost every
appointment, but that one was the worst.
I wasn’t even going to be allowed to try a natural labor simply because
of the size of my baby? I would sit in
the car with my husband and weep because you had made me so stressed out about
my baby’s health. I had an almost
completely normal pregnancy, minus the polyhydramnios. I was not high risk, my baby was healthy and
so was I. However, after my glucose test
came back normal, all you could say was “It’s only because you are young that
you don’t have gestational diabetes.”
Basically assuming that I ate horribly and didn’t care about my or my
baby’s health.
I finally took back a smidgen of
control when I decided NOT to go to an unnecessary ultrasound. Your response? “We need to get you in
immediately to see the size of the baby.”
I told you I didn’t care about how big my baby was. I went to the ultrasound and was frantically
told by the high risk ultrasound doctor that I should be induced that day or a
few days later at the latest because of the excess fluid. I was only 38 weeks and 5 days. After 33 hours of labor with no pain medication
and Pitocin, I pushed my beautiful baby
girl into the world with no problems (despite the resident’s lack of
faith and wanting a c-section for me). And what did you ask me at my 6
week appointment? “How big was she?” I
responded with 8 lbs 5 oz and you said “Aren’t you glad we didn’t wait any longer? She would have been too big!” So now I wonder all the time, did you induce
me because it was absolutely medically necessary, or was it because you wanted
to be the one to place my cervadil and didn’t want me to risk birthing a “big
baby”?
I’m still healing from the care I received from you. The nurses I
will leave out of my critique because they were supportive and incredible. But a lot of my birth story still holds anger
and resentment for me, instead of power and strength. I am taking back that power right now
because I deserve it, and so does my next baby.
Now I get to tell you the good part- I’m choosing homebirth
for my next baby due in April and my midwife is incredible.
I ultimately have to say thank you because, without your poor care, I
would not have had a reason to find a better option for me and my family. I will be in full control of my birth and I
have educated myself on the dangers and joys of homebirth. I am not stepping into this birth blindly the
way I did with my first. I put my trust and
faith in you and you failed me as my care provider. I have learned so much and I am so lucky to
be supported in my choices by both my family and my husband. I didn’t know that it was possible to be
excited about labor! I can’t wait to
birth my baby and I am at peace with however my birth story turns out because I
know I will be given the chance to have a completely successful natural
birth. If this does not happen, my birth
will still be beautiful because I was in control and empowered to make my own
choices with the guidance of my midwife.
I wish you could experience natural homebirth, at least by
attending one, so that you can see what you are doing to women in the
hospital and what you are missing out on. I feel sorry that you have
been jaded by bad experiences and no longer believe in wholesome, natural, or
women-empowered childbirth. I hope you
can heal from the traumas that you have seen at the hospital births and have
faith in women and their bodies again. I
pray you get to experience your own healing births through women who experience
joy in labor and childbirth. Then, there
will be no more fear for you, only faith in your skills and knowledge that
women are capable and have the strength to face challenges for the health of
their babies. You can make a huge difference
in childbirth, I just wish you could see it.
Sincerely,
Stephanie Palaad
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