Dear Pierce,
Is there anyone in this world more joy-filled than you?? You are so vibrant that I wonder what I did to deserve to be in your light. You were a complete surprise and one that I am SO glad happened. I couldn't imagine it any other way. You are just so in love with the world and it is in love with you right back. You make your dad, sister, and I laugh all the time and as soon as you hear us laughing, you join right in.
You wanted to be rocked to sleep tonight and I almost didn't do it because I was caught up in myself. As soon as I took you into my arms, your body relaxed and you were fast asleep. Thank you for trusting me, for knowing that you are safe with me and so, so loved. I kept smelling your head and kissing you and a feeling came over me that I won't be holding you as often anymore and there was a deep deep sadness that engulfed me. You are so quickly turning into a toddler and I know you will always need me, but it is going too fast. Just like with your sister, I would go back and relive every moment of your life if I could. You have no idea that you will soon be a big brother, but you sure like climbing all over my giant pregnant belly. I am so looking forward to seeing you with the new baby! I know you will pass all of your love and joy along to them and that they will feel loved forever. We will all be learning and growing together as a family and I ask in advance for your forgiveness when I fail. I know that I will still be able to give you love and attention, but there is always a certain level of mom guilt that it will never be enough because I want to give you the world.
You do so many funny things, one of my favorites is how you eat like there is no tomorrow. You love food SO much and I love watching you explore all of the new tastes. I know that someone will always appreciate my cooking! You are learning to sign and can do "all done" and you love to wave goodbye. You point at everything and say "Dah!" and you especially love balloons. Ever time music comes on you get this big smile and you start dancing. You can walk so fast that it is almost running and it delights and terrifies me at the same time. You and your sister both love bath time, especially putting your face in the bubbles to make a bubble beard. You like to climb everything and to take the dishes out of every cabinet in the kitchen.
God has such big plans for you and I can't wait to see what the end up being. You are almost 1 year old and time needs to seriously slow down. I am apologizing in advance for the many years of joint birthday parties that you all have ahead of you.
Thank you for showing me how great God's love can be, and how much more love can enter into my heart.
I love you, Piercey. never stop gracing others with your light and love.
Monday, March 14, 2016
A Letter to my daughter Penny
Dear Penelope,
You are the light of my life. I could never have imagine that my heart could be so full until you came into the world. Every moment of your life has been my greatest joy. You have taught me so much about love and trust and how to slow down and live in the moment. Your spirit shines through every movement you make. I pray every day that nothing stops your light from shining, especially me when I get frustrated or impatient. You love your brother so much and have embraced being a sister to the fullest. You always include him and show him love, even when he is being a pesky little brother. I know your bond will last forever. Even though I had to miss out on nursing you for as long as I wanted, I have never felt less connected to you.
You will be 2 years old soon and already a sister twice over. This new baby will bring challenges and difficulties, but I know we will make it through together because our bond is so strong. The new baby will feel all of your love and care that you already show your brother. You kiss my belly all day long and talk to the baby as if you are old friends. You make sure that mommy knows that the baby will nurse and you love to imitate what you think the baby's cries will sound like. Your little brother or sister already knows you, they know your voice and your hands that rub my belly. They are as excited to meet you as you are to meet them!
I love your personality, you are spunky and smart and love to tell me every word you know. My favorites are "boops" (boots) and how you name all of your friends-Kylie and Coopah and Emery and Onen (Owen) and Lownen (Lauren) and Latilie (Natalie). You are fascinated with the world and love to run up and down grassy hills and climb all over the playground. You sing, oh how you sing!! It makes my heart leap out of my chest and I pray, selfishly, that you will one day love music and singing as much as your dad and I do. You love to put your shoes on all by yourself, especially backwards, and clothing is no match for you. You put pants and shirts on like a boss. I can barely keep up with you, but you slow down just for me.
I wish I could replay every moment of your life, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if I could, even the difficult moments. I thank God every day for blessing me with you and I will never take your love for granted.
I love you my wonderful Penny.
You are the light of my life. I could never have imagine that my heart could be so full until you came into the world. Every moment of your life has been my greatest joy. You have taught me so much about love and trust and how to slow down and live in the moment. Your spirit shines through every movement you make. I pray every day that nothing stops your light from shining, especially me when I get frustrated or impatient. You love your brother so much and have embraced being a sister to the fullest. You always include him and show him love, even when he is being a pesky little brother. I know your bond will last forever. Even though I had to miss out on nursing you for as long as I wanted, I have never felt less connected to you.
You will be 2 years old soon and already a sister twice over. This new baby will bring challenges and difficulties, but I know we will make it through together because our bond is so strong. The new baby will feel all of your love and care that you already show your brother. You kiss my belly all day long and talk to the baby as if you are old friends. You make sure that mommy knows that the baby will nurse and you love to imitate what you think the baby's cries will sound like. Your little brother or sister already knows you, they know your voice and your hands that rub my belly. They are as excited to meet you as you are to meet them!
I love your personality, you are spunky and smart and love to tell me every word you know. My favorites are "boops" (boots) and how you name all of your friends-Kylie and Coopah and Emery and Onen (Owen) and Lownen (Lauren) and Latilie (Natalie). You are fascinated with the world and love to run up and down grassy hills and climb all over the playground. You sing, oh how you sing!! It makes my heart leap out of my chest and I pray, selfishly, that you will one day love music and singing as much as your dad and I do. You love to put your shoes on all by yourself, especially backwards, and clothing is no match for you. You put pants and shirts on like a boss. I can barely keep up with you, but you slow down just for me.
I wish I could replay every moment of your life, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if I could, even the difficult moments. I thank God every day for blessing me with you and I will never take your love for granted.
I love you my wonderful Penny.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Changing the Sleep Perspective
Hello fellow Team No Sleep, Warriors!
These thoughts of baby sleep deprivation have been rattling around in my brain for a while now and they are itching to get out. I hear moms say constantly, "How do I get my baby to sleep longer?" "I can't survive without more sleep!" "If I do cry-it-out will my baby sleep through the night?" and any thousands of variations on those themes. Well, I am here today to challenge you AND myself (since I know I will be wanting to eat my words as soon as this new baby arrives!). It's time to change the perspective that we have on sleep and especially how we approach this lack of sleep.
Most moms have heard it all, "this sleep method is perfect", "My baby does x,y,z so yours can too!" "they aren't sleeping through the night yet?? But they're already three months!" I am not going to talk about any of these methods because every. single. little. baby. is completely different and needs to be approached that way. I have my own ideas about sleep that have worked great for my littles, but it is not my job to place those ideas on other moms. What I AM going to talk about though, is privilege.
Yes, that nasty little word that we like to ignore all the time, but really encompasses our entire lives. When we talk about not getting enough sleep, that is real and it is valid, and it is OK to be tired. What is hard to hear is that even with our lack of sleep-- we are some of the most privileged people in the entire world.
Think about what it means for you to get a "good night's sleep". Does it mean 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep? A comfy mattress? Being the right temperature? Not having to listen to a snoring husband or crying baby? I can tell you right now that even expecting these things is a privilege. The majority of the world does NOT have a comfy, expensive mattress to sleep on. They don't have the option of an uninterrupted nights sleep because they are surrounded by the sounds of gunfire, bombs, screaming. They have no blankets or temperature control through the blistering summers or frigid winters, other than the warmth of each other. Bedsharing is not optional, it is 100% necessary. There is no nursery or crib for babies to sleep away from their parents. Breastfeeding is not optional either- it is a means of baby's survival. There is no access to clean water or money for expensive formula.
Yet- women are giving birth through this, they are feeding babies through this, and they are surviving on probably less sleep than we can even imagine through all of these hardships.
Can we not at least acknowledge our privilege? Can we step back from our own exhaustion and start to see things from another perspective? I am blessed to have an amazing mattress to sleep on. I am blessed to have a quiet place to rest while baby is sleeping (after kicking the snoring hubby out to the couch). I am blessed that I don't have to live in fear over my family's survival. I am blessed to be able to choose whether to sleep with my child, or put them in a crib. I am blessed to have the choice between breastfeeding or formula feeding my children. I AM BLESSED ABUNDANTLY.
This is not to ever shame any mom for feeling tired or overwhelmed or needing a break. This are valid, normal feelings. But maybe next time instead of "I can't survive without more sleep!" We can come from a place of "my sleep may not be perfect, but my healthy baby, safe home, and healthy family are a blessing and I will cling to that". It may just help you get more sleep at night <3.
Coming to you from the deepest depths of sleep deprivation- this is Stephanie Palaad, Over and Out!
These thoughts of baby sleep deprivation have been rattling around in my brain for a while now and they are itching to get out. I hear moms say constantly, "How do I get my baby to sleep longer?" "I can't survive without more sleep!" "If I do cry-it-out will my baby sleep through the night?" and any thousands of variations on those themes. Well, I am here today to challenge you AND myself (since I know I will be wanting to eat my words as soon as this new baby arrives!). It's time to change the perspective that we have on sleep and especially how we approach this lack of sleep.
Most moms have heard it all, "this sleep method is perfect", "My baby does x,y,z so yours can too!" "they aren't sleeping through the night yet?? But they're already three months!" I am not going to talk about any of these methods because every. single. little. baby. is completely different and needs to be approached that way. I have my own ideas about sleep that have worked great for my littles, but it is not my job to place those ideas on other moms. What I AM going to talk about though, is privilege.
Yes, that nasty little word that we like to ignore all the time, but really encompasses our entire lives. When we talk about not getting enough sleep, that is real and it is valid, and it is OK to be tired. What is hard to hear is that even with our lack of sleep-- we are some of the most privileged people in the entire world.
Think about what it means for you to get a "good night's sleep". Does it mean 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep? A comfy mattress? Being the right temperature? Not having to listen to a snoring husband or crying baby? I can tell you right now that even expecting these things is a privilege. The majority of the world does NOT have a comfy, expensive mattress to sleep on. They don't have the option of an uninterrupted nights sleep because they are surrounded by the sounds of gunfire, bombs, screaming. They have no blankets or temperature control through the blistering summers or frigid winters, other than the warmth of each other. Bedsharing is not optional, it is 100% necessary. There is no nursery or crib for babies to sleep away from their parents. Breastfeeding is not optional either- it is a means of baby's survival. There is no access to clean water or money for expensive formula.
Yet- women are giving birth through this, they are feeding babies through this, and they are surviving on probably less sleep than we can even imagine through all of these hardships.
Can we not at least acknowledge our privilege? Can we step back from our own exhaustion and start to see things from another perspective? I am blessed to have an amazing mattress to sleep on. I am blessed to have a quiet place to rest while baby is sleeping (after kicking the snoring hubby out to the couch). I am blessed that I don't have to live in fear over my family's survival. I am blessed to be able to choose whether to sleep with my child, or put them in a crib. I am blessed to have the choice between breastfeeding or formula feeding my children. I AM BLESSED ABUNDANTLY.
This is not to ever shame any mom for feeling tired or overwhelmed or needing a break. This are valid, normal feelings. But maybe next time instead of "I can't survive without more sleep!" We can come from a place of "my sleep may not be perfect, but my healthy baby, safe home, and healthy family are a blessing and I will cling to that". It may just help you get more sleep at night <3.
Coming to you from the deepest depths of sleep deprivation- this is Stephanie Palaad, Over and Out!
Thursday, December 17, 2015
No Shame
My thoughts have been running a mile a minute lately and a beautiful blog that my friend posted today brought them all to a screeching halt. I am finally able to understand where my feelings and deep-seated anxiety are coming from. Here is the link if you feel like reading it http://heidistjohn.com/other/strength-for-the-weary-mom .
Ever since getting pregnant with baby #3, I have felt this underlying feeling of shame. It comes from within most days, but just as often, it comes from around me too. These ridiculous parameters that society has set. Yes, I am about to have my third child, yes the first two are 11 months apart and yes, these two will be 11 months apart as well. Here is the honest truth, when I first found out I was pregnant again, I was devastated. Like, I cried for multiple days and felt, you guessed it, ashamed. How had Ken and I let this happen again? We were being careful, I wasn't ready, I am exhausted, how in the hell am I going to do this? Why, God? Is this a cruel joke? Every variation of these themes ran through my mind and sometimes they still do. I get asked daily how I am doing, how I'm feeling and I have been lying. "I'm fine, I'm tired, I'm excited, We're surviving." I give all these answers, but how I was truly feeling was ashamed. I interpreted every glance from strangers as judgement. I can see them trying to work out in their minds how old my kids are and whether I am actually pregnant again or just overweight. I don't blame them for their curiosity, their questions of, "was that planned?" I would be curious too if I was in their shoes. But because I was ashamed, I took all of these questions negatively, as a judgement on my choices. I would try to smile and nod but it was an empty, polite smile. Even to the group of mother's that is my village and my best friends, I hid my true feelings.
Here is where God's grace enters. He comes at the perfect time, in the perfect way to remind me that I am his child and it is HIS plan for my life. Who am I to be ashamed of God's plan for me?? He is in control of what happens, not me. The devil has been working overtime to get me to believe that this imperfect situation could only be negative. But this imperfect situation is perfectly what God wants for my life. How can I not be excited about having another beautiful little baby? And heck, I know myself, and I know 100% that I can be more than enough for these three awesome kids. On the days when I have none, God will remind me that that is what He is there for, to be my strength. Will it be hard? oh you bet. Expect plenty of "I get literally no sleep" Facebook statuses. But I don't think life is supposed to be easy. It is supposed to force us to grow and change and adapt. Adaption is the key to survival. Plus, I get a third try to get it right (as if I'll ever get it 100% right! ha!). The most awesome part of this realization is the excitement. I can finally be excited about having another baby! I am leaving those feelings of shame behind me and embracing every crazy, wonderful, difficult part of this situation. Thank you, God, for putting people in my life at the exact moment I need them and revealing your truth and love to me again.
Another aspect of this feeling of shame is coming from how I choose to birth. My birth choices are a huge part of my identity (as they are with every woman) and I have been listening to my inner voice lately and it is telling me that a homebirth may not be the safest birthing option for me this time even though it is desperately what I want. My body has been through a lot and I want to make the choice that is safest for both me, my baby, and my family. What frustrates me though, is the comments of, "Oh it would make ME feel so much better if you were at a hospital." This may seem small, but it is not. First, it is not about you, it is about me and my choice to birth where I want. You making it about you takes that away. Like I am somehow making this choice to make you feel better. Sorry, no, it is all for me and my family. Second, there is no shame in choosing a specific type of birth. There is no shame in a homebirth that doesn't go as planned, just like there is no shame in a hospital birth that doesn't go as planned or any birth for that matter. Because I hemorrhaged after Pierce was born, I have been disappointed by the way that people try to use that against me. "Well, because you hemorrhaged with Pierce, you need to have all your babies in the hospital from now on." No joke, I have heard this comment from three different people. What they are really saying is, "See? Homebirth is dangerous. You should have listened." But I am not ashamed with what happened at my homebirth. I could have hemorrhaged at the hospital too and they would have taken the exact same steps that my midwife did. I felt safe, and extremely well taken care of by my team. I am embracing each of my births and if this next birth cannot happen at home because it is not safe for me, then I will embrace that too. So, I will trust that God will reveal the right path to me as he has been all along. If you want to pray for God to guide me to His choice, I would really appreciate it.
Thank you to everyone who is part of my life and has supported me through this transformative journey of being a parent. I am learning new things every day and reveling in the peace that only God can bring.
Merry Christmas and Much Love
Ever since getting pregnant with baby #3, I have felt this underlying feeling of shame. It comes from within most days, but just as often, it comes from around me too. These ridiculous parameters that society has set. Yes, I am about to have my third child, yes the first two are 11 months apart and yes, these two will be 11 months apart as well. Here is the honest truth, when I first found out I was pregnant again, I was devastated. Like, I cried for multiple days and felt, you guessed it, ashamed. How had Ken and I let this happen again? We were being careful, I wasn't ready, I am exhausted, how in the hell am I going to do this? Why, God? Is this a cruel joke? Every variation of these themes ran through my mind and sometimes they still do. I get asked daily how I am doing, how I'm feeling and I have been lying. "I'm fine, I'm tired, I'm excited, We're surviving." I give all these answers, but how I was truly feeling was ashamed. I interpreted every glance from strangers as judgement. I can see them trying to work out in their minds how old my kids are and whether I am actually pregnant again or just overweight. I don't blame them for their curiosity, their questions of, "was that planned?" I would be curious too if I was in their shoes. But because I was ashamed, I took all of these questions negatively, as a judgement on my choices. I would try to smile and nod but it was an empty, polite smile. Even to the group of mother's that is my village and my best friends, I hid my true feelings.
Here is where God's grace enters. He comes at the perfect time, in the perfect way to remind me that I am his child and it is HIS plan for my life. Who am I to be ashamed of God's plan for me?? He is in control of what happens, not me. The devil has been working overtime to get me to believe that this imperfect situation could only be negative. But this imperfect situation is perfectly what God wants for my life. How can I not be excited about having another beautiful little baby? And heck, I know myself, and I know 100% that I can be more than enough for these three awesome kids. On the days when I have none, God will remind me that that is what He is there for, to be my strength. Will it be hard? oh you bet. Expect plenty of "I get literally no sleep" Facebook statuses. But I don't think life is supposed to be easy. It is supposed to force us to grow and change and adapt. Adaption is the key to survival. Plus, I get a third try to get it right (as if I'll ever get it 100% right! ha!). The most awesome part of this realization is the excitement. I can finally be excited about having another baby! I am leaving those feelings of shame behind me and embracing every crazy, wonderful, difficult part of this situation. Thank you, God, for putting people in my life at the exact moment I need them and revealing your truth and love to me again.
Another aspect of this feeling of shame is coming from how I choose to birth. My birth choices are a huge part of my identity (as they are with every woman) and I have been listening to my inner voice lately and it is telling me that a homebirth may not be the safest birthing option for me this time even though it is desperately what I want. My body has been through a lot and I want to make the choice that is safest for both me, my baby, and my family. What frustrates me though, is the comments of, "Oh it would make ME feel so much better if you were at a hospital." This may seem small, but it is not. First, it is not about you, it is about me and my choice to birth where I want. You making it about you takes that away. Like I am somehow making this choice to make you feel better. Sorry, no, it is all for me and my family. Second, there is no shame in choosing a specific type of birth. There is no shame in a homebirth that doesn't go as planned, just like there is no shame in a hospital birth that doesn't go as planned or any birth for that matter. Because I hemorrhaged after Pierce was born, I have been disappointed by the way that people try to use that against me. "Well, because you hemorrhaged with Pierce, you need to have all your babies in the hospital from now on." No joke, I have heard this comment from three different people. What they are really saying is, "See? Homebirth is dangerous. You should have listened." But I am not ashamed with what happened at my homebirth. I could have hemorrhaged at the hospital too and they would have taken the exact same steps that my midwife did. I felt safe, and extremely well taken care of by my team. I am embracing each of my births and if this next birth cannot happen at home because it is not safe for me, then I will embrace that too. So, I will trust that God will reveal the right path to me as he has been all along. If you want to pray for God to guide me to His choice, I would really appreciate it.
Thank you to everyone who is part of my life and has supported me through this transformative journey of being a parent. I am learning new things every day and reveling in the peace that only God can bring.
Merry Christmas and Much Love
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
A Day in the Life
Well hello again my friends! I have to warn you, this post is real life (like all of my posts). I want to remember every single detail of these days. They are flying by faster than I could have imagined and I am left feeling that I need to document everything. So, today you get a glimpse into my daily life.
I was trying to decide where to start my day since it never actually seems to end. I guess I'll start at morning wake-up since that is normally an "acceptable" time for people to be awake. Generally, the kids are awake anytime between 4:30 am and 5:30 am for the day. It used to be more around 6:00 am to 7:00 am but the time change is quite literally the worst thing ever. On a day where Ken is off from his second job, he or I switch off watching the kids in the morning, usually it is the less sleep deprived one that gets this honor. The other one catches an extra hour of sleep before the day begins. Then I cook breakfast, feed the family, and clean up from breakfast while Ken entertains the kids. I love this set-up because I am able to get everything done so much faster and the kids are perfectly content. Then we try to get them down for a nap which usually lasts for about 45 min to 1 hr. Sometimes Penny likes to skip this nap which we are fighting to get back. Then Ken and I, or at least one of us, gets a short break to either do chores or sit on our cell phones and zone out (which we both have deemed totally acceptable under the circumstances). Then, before we know it, the kids are up and it's time for lunch. So, I cook, feed, and clean, again while Ken watches the kids. After that it's time for Ken to shower and get ready for work which generally leaves Penny crying outside the bathroom door because she wants to get in a bath so I distract her with music or a book or playing with her brother. After Ken leaves it is the long haul till bed time. Most of the time I can get the kids down for a second nap, but most often it is in the car and so I am not able to be productive at all. Then, they are up from nap around 4:30 and ready to start the cooking dinner, feeding, and cleaning, this time by myself. It is chaos, always, but I love that Penny always breaks off little pieces of food to give to Pierce and says, "der you go!" every time. Pierce just loves food and chomps away at everything in front of him. He took to food so quickly and it's so fun to watch him explore. Penny always wants to sit in my lap and feed me my food as well. I love when I cook something she loves to eat and all I hear is "Nummy, nummy, nummy!!" After dinner, it's generally a straight path to the bath to wash off the dirt of the day, or at least from that meal. Penny absolutely loves the bath and her favorite thing is to soap up her brothers hair and body and rinse him off. She is such an incredible helper and always wants to be copying what I'm doing. I love being able to involve her in everything and she is so smart that she is able to do all of the tasks I give her. Pierce also loves the bath and splashes about spraying water everywhere. He doesn't mind getting water poured over his head by Penny which makes it all more funny. I then drain the bath and we laugh and giggle while I snuggle them into their towels to keeps them warm. Diapers are next and let me tell you, it is a workout in itself to get a diaper on these squirmy kids! Then come pajamas and more reading/play time. I try to prep Penny early by saying, "are you ready to go night night?" about every five minutes so that she is prepared when it comes to bed time. We have really been struggling at bedtime, and finally tonight I said, "okay Penny, it's time to go to sleep, I love you, sleep well." and she goes, "bye, bye, muah, muah" blowing kisses at me as I left the room. Not a peep from her since. Pierce can be more difficult to get to sleep because he likes to crawl around on the bed until he has found the perfect spot to sleep in, a process which can sometimes take 30 min. By this time it's normally 8:00 pm and I am so ready for sleep. But, I get to go and do homework instead! So I either get homework assignments, tests, quizzes, or studying done for at least 2-4 hours before my body finally gives in, Ken comes home, or Pierce wakes up for his first night time feeding. If I am lucky, Ken is home and will usually take him because he is incredible and can get Pierce back to sleep so easily. If we are lucky, Pierce will only wake up one or two more times before the morning (AKA 4:30 am). Penny has had a really erratic sleeping schedule lately and there are nights where she will wake up at 2:00 am and want to play, all. night. long. until the sun comes up. These nights are the hardest because there is just no stopping that girl once she gets started. Through all of this, I have my hardworking partner, always willing to take a baby or put the other to sleep. I don't know what I would do without his help.
And that folks, is a day in the life of a pregnant mom with 2 under 2 yrs old.
I have moments, normally on the days that Ken works from 6:00 am to 11:30 pm and I am doing every step of that day on my own, that I just feel hopeless. The exhaustion reaches levels that are unfathomable and my body goes on autopilot to get through the day. On days like these, I lean hard on my village. I draw strength from the other women that surround me and I keep my eyes fixed on the day when I can breath again.
Initially, when I started writing this, I was so focused on how difficult my day normally is and how much I have to do to keep my house from hitting a zone of chaos. But the more I wrote, the more I couldn't help but think about every little amazing thing my kids do during the day. I wish I could include every one of these moments because they are so precious. About 90% of the time, I feel like the most blessed mom in the entire world. Since I promised to be real, the other 10% is complete exhaustion and yes, feeling like I'm about to go insane. I'm not always proud of myself as a mom, but I made a decision a while ago to give myself grace, and forgive myself for messing up. God has a plan for me and he is molding me into a better person through every failure. I honestly don't know what is going to happen when this third baby comes, but all I can do is put it in God's hands. I have to say though, I am reeeaaallllyyy sick of hearing, "You're crazy!" and "I don't know how you are going to do it!" I know people mean well, but geeze, have a little faith in me! hahaha
For everyone who is reading this and didn't know about my pregnancy (I'm keeping this mum on social media cause I'm just not ready for more of the above comments), here is a quick update! I'm currently 24 weeks along and due in the beginning of March, so yes, Pierce and this next baby will be 11 months apart just like Penny and Pierce were. I am so excited for this little one and I know that somehow, God will us through the next few years. I have faith!
That's all for now <3
I was trying to decide where to start my day since it never actually seems to end. I guess I'll start at morning wake-up since that is normally an "acceptable" time for people to be awake. Generally, the kids are awake anytime between 4:30 am and 5:30 am for the day. It used to be more around 6:00 am to 7:00 am but the time change is quite literally the worst thing ever. On a day where Ken is off from his second job, he or I switch off watching the kids in the morning, usually it is the less sleep deprived one that gets this honor. The other one catches an extra hour of sleep before the day begins. Then I cook breakfast, feed the family, and clean up from breakfast while Ken entertains the kids. I love this set-up because I am able to get everything done so much faster and the kids are perfectly content. Then we try to get them down for a nap which usually lasts for about 45 min to 1 hr. Sometimes Penny likes to skip this nap which we are fighting to get back. Then Ken and I, or at least one of us, gets a short break to either do chores or sit on our cell phones and zone out (which we both have deemed totally acceptable under the circumstances). Then, before we know it, the kids are up and it's time for lunch. So, I cook, feed, and clean, again while Ken watches the kids. After that it's time for Ken to shower and get ready for work which generally leaves Penny crying outside the bathroom door because she wants to get in a bath so I distract her with music or a book or playing with her brother. After Ken leaves it is the long haul till bed time. Most of the time I can get the kids down for a second nap, but most often it is in the car and so I am not able to be productive at all. Then, they are up from nap around 4:30 and ready to start the cooking dinner, feeding, and cleaning, this time by myself. It is chaos, always, but I love that Penny always breaks off little pieces of food to give to Pierce and says, "der you go!" every time. Pierce just loves food and chomps away at everything in front of him. He took to food so quickly and it's so fun to watch him explore. Penny always wants to sit in my lap and feed me my food as well. I love when I cook something she loves to eat and all I hear is "Nummy, nummy, nummy!!" After dinner, it's generally a straight path to the bath to wash off the dirt of the day, or at least from that meal. Penny absolutely loves the bath and her favorite thing is to soap up her brothers hair and body and rinse him off. She is such an incredible helper and always wants to be copying what I'm doing. I love being able to involve her in everything and she is so smart that she is able to do all of the tasks I give her. Pierce also loves the bath and splashes about spraying water everywhere. He doesn't mind getting water poured over his head by Penny which makes it all more funny. I then drain the bath and we laugh and giggle while I snuggle them into their towels to keeps them warm. Diapers are next and let me tell you, it is a workout in itself to get a diaper on these squirmy kids! Then come pajamas and more reading/play time. I try to prep Penny early by saying, "are you ready to go night night?" about every five minutes so that she is prepared when it comes to bed time. We have really been struggling at bedtime, and finally tonight I said, "okay Penny, it's time to go to sleep, I love you, sleep well." and she goes, "bye, bye, muah, muah" blowing kisses at me as I left the room. Not a peep from her since. Pierce can be more difficult to get to sleep because he likes to crawl around on the bed until he has found the perfect spot to sleep in, a process which can sometimes take 30 min. By this time it's normally 8:00 pm and I am so ready for sleep. But, I get to go and do homework instead! So I either get homework assignments, tests, quizzes, or studying done for at least 2-4 hours before my body finally gives in, Ken comes home, or Pierce wakes up for his first night time feeding. If I am lucky, Ken is home and will usually take him because he is incredible and can get Pierce back to sleep so easily. If we are lucky, Pierce will only wake up one or two more times before the morning (AKA 4:30 am). Penny has had a really erratic sleeping schedule lately and there are nights where she will wake up at 2:00 am and want to play, all. night. long. until the sun comes up. These nights are the hardest because there is just no stopping that girl once she gets started. Through all of this, I have my hardworking partner, always willing to take a baby or put the other to sleep. I don't know what I would do without his help.
And that folks, is a day in the life of a pregnant mom with 2 under 2 yrs old.
I have moments, normally on the days that Ken works from 6:00 am to 11:30 pm and I am doing every step of that day on my own, that I just feel hopeless. The exhaustion reaches levels that are unfathomable and my body goes on autopilot to get through the day. On days like these, I lean hard on my village. I draw strength from the other women that surround me and I keep my eyes fixed on the day when I can breath again.
Initially, when I started writing this, I was so focused on how difficult my day normally is and how much I have to do to keep my house from hitting a zone of chaos. But the more I wrote, the more I couldn't help but think about every little amazing thing my kids do during the day. I wish I could include every one of these moments because they are so precious. About 90% of the time, I feel like the most blessed mom in the entire world. Since I promised to be real, the other 10% is complete exhaustion and yes, feeling like I'm about to go insane. I'm not always proud of myself as a mom, but I made a decision a while ago to give myself grace, and forgive myself for messing up. God has a plan for me and he is molding me into a better person through every failure. I honestly don't know what is going to happen when this third baby comes, but all I can do is put it in God's hands. I have to say though, I am reeeaaallllyyy sick of hearing, "You're crazy!" and "I don't know how you are going to do it!" I know people mean well, but geeze, have a little faith in me! hahaha
For everyone who is reading this and didn't know about my pregnancy (I'm keeping this mum on social media cause I'm just not ready for more of the above comments), here is a quick update! I'm currently 24 weeks along and due in the beginning of March, so yes, Pierce and this next baby will be 11 months apart just like Penny and Pierce were. I am so excited for this little one and I know that somehow, God will us through the next few years. I have faith!
That's all for now <3
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Priorities Revisited
I am writing from a state of grief tonight, my grandpa Gordon has passed away. He was my dad's step-dad, which is weird to think about because we always just called him Gordon. I felt growing up that he was not my "real" grandpa, not in a negative way at all, but for some reason I perceived him more as an addition to the family instead of actual family because of how my parents treated him. Again, never in a negative light, but just different. Which is funny, because he was one of my favorite people. Quite but strong-willed, always told the truth and told it in such a way that people didn't get offended. He was funny, but only to the people that understood his unexpected humor and he was realistic. He was the perfect compliment to my Farmor (danish name for "Father's Mother") who is elegant and extroverted and loves giving to people. They showed their love in a quiet way and I know they truly loved each other because they soothed each others flaws and they both have the biggest hearts. I have many regrets where they are concerned and my biggest one in the moment is that Gordon never got a chance to meet Pierce. Penny and Pierce where his only great-grandchildren and as he got more ill, their plans to come down and see us had to change. I wish I had known then how bad things truly were, how much the leukemia was affecting him....
How did I get so caught up in my life that I didn't make time for us to go see them? When did family become secondary to the daily monotony? I know that people will tell me that I don't have to feel that way because my life is busy and there is something happening every minute of every day, but I think it is important in these moments to look at where our true priorities lie. If I could go back in time, I would push for us to make a trip up there happen instead of trying not to put pressure on Ken to get off of work. I know that of all people, my husband understands the most how precious family is because of how he treats his own family. When we first got married, in my immaturity, I used to take offense to it. He had a new family now, why did he feel like he had to spend so much time with his siblings and parents? I was so very, very naive in those first few months of marriage. Now I feel blessed that I gained THREE amazing sisters, another set of parents, and a whole host of new cousins, titos and titas, and lolos and lolas that love me and treat me as one of their own. Although my family has always been incredibly important to me, we always had this understanding of, "it's life and sometimes it gets in the way". I don't agree with that anymore. We only have a short time together on this earth, and family is one of the most precious things we have. Time and sacrifices should be made so that we can be together. My mom and I have been discussing this a lot in the last few days, both of us realizing how we are letting time slip away from us.
Ken and I decided we will be going to my grandpa's funeral even if it means we have to pack the kids up and drive through the night to get there and spend a day before turning around and driving back that night. Of course, my husband immediately told me when we got the news not to worry about his work schedule, he would take off whatever time he needed to to get us up there. I don't know what I would do without his strength and understanding. He is always my rock, as I know God intended.
I have struggled a lot today with my emotions about all of this, should I let Penny see me cry? Should I stress her out with things she doesn't understand? How should I act around my friends when I just really want to break down and cry and be hugged by people that love me and want to take away the pain? I'm letting myself cry now, and it is so cleansing, its like the dirt is being washed from my eyes and I'm able to see life in a new light and it seems brighter and more beautiful than before. Instead of seeing Penny's endless energy as exhausting, I want to feed off of it and encourage it. It makes the quiet, peaceful times when I'm watching her fall asleep even more beautiful. She is so vibrant and full of life, sometimes blinding like the sun and her mischievousness just makes me want to laugh at everything she does. I have the craziest, almost desperate, urge to never want to stifle her light. I don't want to tell her for the twentieth time to stop dancing on the table or to stop jumping on my face, which she find hilarious. I just want to revel in her liveliness and view life the way she does, as an incredible gift to be lived to the fullest. Pierce is the same way, smiling and laughing and giggling at his crazy sister. Even with baby #3 on the way (yes, I am pregnant again for those I have not told yet) I know that things are going to be fine. I see it all the time in the way Penny and Pierce play together and in the village that gives me so much incredible support and in my husband who finds the goodness in all of this. God did not give us an easy path, but it is possible one of the most beautiful and blessed paths.
I know this is long and a bit like a jumbled rambling of thoughts, but thank you for hanging in there with me through this. You, my family, my village, my friends, are the ones who keep me going and grounded. Much, much love to all of you tonight and may you have peace in your hearts as I am finding mine.
How did I get so caught up in my life that I didn't make time for us to go see them? When did family become secondary to the daily monotony? I know that people will tell me that I don't have to feel that way because my life is busy and there is something happening every minute of every day, but I think it is important in these moments to look at where our true priorities lie. If I could go back in time, I would push for us to make a trip up there happen instead of trying not to put pressure on Ken to get off of work. I know that of all people, my husband understands the most how precious family is because of how he treats his own family. When we first got married, in my immaturity, I used to take offense to it. He had a new family now, why did he feel like he had to spend so much time with his siblings and parents? I was so very, very naive in those first few months of marriage. Now I feel blessed that I gained THREE amazing sisters, another set of parents, and a whole host of new cousins, titos and titas, and lolos and lolas that love me and treat me as one of their own. Although my family has always been incredibly important to me, we always had this understanding of, "it's life and sometimes it gets in the way". I don't agree with that anymore. We only have a short time together on this earth, and family is one of the most precious things we have. Time and sacrifices should be made so that we can be together. My mom and I have been discussing this a lot in the last few days, both of us realizing how we are letting time slip away from us.
Ken and I decided we will be going to my grandpa's funeral even if it means we have to pack the kids up and drive through the night to get there and spend a day before turning around and driving back that night. Of course, my husband immediately told me when we got the news not to worry about his work schedule, he would take off whatever time he needed to to get us up there. I don't know what I would do without his strength and understanding. He is always my rock, as I know God intended.
I have struggled a lot today with my emotions about all of this, should I let Penny see me cry? Should I stress her out with things she doesn't understand? How should I act around my friends when I just really want to break down and cry and be hugged by people that love me and want to take away the pain? I'm letting myself cry now, and it is so cleansing, its like the dirt is being washed from my eyes and I'm able to see life in a new light and it seems brighter and more beautiful than before. Instead of seeing Penny's endless energy as exhausting, I want to feed off of it and encourage it. It makes the quiet, peaceful times when I'm watching her fall asleep even more beautiful. She is so vibrant and full of life, sometimes blinding like the sun and her mischievousness just makes me want to laugh at everything she does. I have the craziest, almost desperate, urge to never want to stifle her light. I don't want to tell her for the twentieth time to stop dancing on the table or to stop jumping on my face, which she find hilarious. I just want to revel in her liveliness and view life the way she does, as an incredible gift to be lived to the fullest. Pierce is the same way, smiling and laughing and giggling at his crazy sister. Even with baby #3 on the way (yes, I am pregnant again for those I have not told yet) I know that things are going to be fine. I see it all the time in the way Penny and Pierce play together and in the village that gives me so much incredible support and in my husband who finds the goodness in all of this. God did not give us an easy path, but it is possible one of the most beautiful and blessed paths.
I know this is long and a bit like a jumbled rambling of thoughts, but thank you for hanging in there with me through this. You, my family, my village, my friends, are the ones who keep me going and grounded. Much, much love to all of you tonight and may you have peace in your hearts as I am finding mine.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Hello Again
It has been 5 months almost to the day that I have written a blog post. I wish I had time to keep up with it more because there is so much to say and just not enough time. Ultimately, I want this blog to be for future me. I want to be able to look back on all of my motherhood experiences and have memories that I can share with my children when they grow up. To be able to laugh at my naivety and to know that I got better as a person, as a wife and as a mom. Now on to the fun stuff...
Pierce is incredible. He lights up our life just like Penny does and they are just darling together. They love each other so much and Penny is always giving Pierce kisses and kicking him with her flailing limbs (accidentally, of course). He is turning 5 months old on Saturday and I just don't know where the time has gone. I am grateful that these last few months have sped by. Even though people say to cherish every moment, to be completely honest, the first 3-4 months are the hardest for me. I think it is partly from having the kids so close together in age. Pierce and Penny both need constant love, attention, and being held, as young ones do, and many days my body aches from it all.
I am constantly at war with exhaustion and most days I can fend it off. Ken let me sleep a huge chunk of the night last night and it was almost terrible. I woke up feeling more exhausted than I ever have in my life and I simply couldn't keep my eyes open. I think I need to stay in a constant state of near-exhaustion to function. Not healthy, I know, but it is only for a few years (I keep telling myself this, but dear God, please let it only be a few years!). Poor Ken, he just wanted to help but instead created a monster!
School is my biggest struggle right now. Mostly because I absolutely love being a student and not having enough time in the day to be a GOOD student really gets to me. I get frustrated when Pierce or Penny won't go to sleep for the night because I need to take a test or do homework. Then, of course, the mom guilt creeps in because my kids are my #1 priority and really, who cares if I get a C on my exam? I know that I have to sacrifice things in order to have it all, but I really really wish I could give everything in my life 100%. Right now it's 95% kids and 5% school... when they're asleep... if they go to sleep. At this point I just want to graduate and I can't enjoy school the way I normally would.
As always, I am grateful for all of the incredible women in my life that keep me going. My tribe is the best tribe in the entire world and I wouldn't be half the mom I am without them. To end on a positive note, since most of this has been a sob story, every single day has these incredible moments where I just feel like the most blessed person in the entire world to have these two beautiful babies and a husband that loves and cherishes us (that we never get to see, but that's a story for another time). It will hit me out of nowhere and bowl me over. Ultimately, as angry as I get at God sometimes, He has thoroughly blessed me.
Pierce is incredible. He lights up our life just like Penny does and they are just darling together. They love each other so much and Penny is always giving Pierce kisses and kicking him with her flailing limbs (accidentally, of course). He is turning 5 months old on Saturday and I just don't know where the time has gone. I am grateful that these last few months have sped by. Even though people say to cherish every moment, to be completely honest, the first 3-4 months are the hardest for me. I think it is partly from having the kids so close together in age. Pierce and Penny both need constant love, attention, and being held, as young ones do, and many days my body aches from it all.
I am constantly at war with exhaustion and most days I can fend it off. Ken let me sleep a huge chunk of the night last night and it was almost terrible. I woke up feeling more exhausted than I ever have in my life and I simply couldn't keep my eyes open. I think I need to stay in a constant state of near-exhaustion to function. Not healthy, I know, but it is only for a few years (I keep telling myself this, but dear God, please let it only be a few years!). Poor Ken, he just wanted to help but instead created a monster!
School is my biggest struggle right now. Mostly because I absolutely love being a student and not having enough time in the day to be a GOOD student really gets to me. I get frustrated when Pierce or Penny won't go to sleep for the night because I need to take a test or do homework. Then, of course, the mom guilt creeps in because my kids are my #1 priority and really, who cares if I get a C on my exam? I know that I have to sacrifice things in order to have it all, but I really really wish I could give everything in my life 100%. Right now it's 95% kids and 5% school... when they're asleep... if they go to sleep. At this point I just want to graduate and I can't enjoy school the way I normally would.
As always, I am grateful for all of the incredible women in my life that keep me going. My tribe is the best tribe in the entire world and I wouldn't be half the mom I am without them. To end on a positive note, since most of this has been a sob story, every single day has these incredible moments where I just feel like the most blessed person in the entire world to have these two beautiful babies and a husband that loves and cherishes us (that we never get to see, but that's a story for another time). It will hit me out of nowhere and bowl me over. Ultimately, as angry as I get at God sometimes, He has thoroughly blessed me.
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