Priorities Revisited

I am writing from a state of grief tonight, my grandpa Gordon has passed away.  He was my dad's  step-dad, which is weird to think about because we always just called him Gordon.  I felt growing up that he was not my "real" grandpa, not in a negative way at all, but for some reason I perceived him more as an addition to the family instead of actual family because of how my parents treated him.  Again, never in a negative light, but just different.  Which is funny, because he was one of my favorite people.  Quite but strong-willed, always told the truth and told it in such a way that people didn't get offended.  He was funny, but only to the people that understood his unexpected humor and he was realistic.  He was the perfect compliment to my Farmor (danish name for "Father's Mother") who is elegant and extroverted and loves giving to people.  They showed their love in a quiet way and I know they truly loved each other because they soothed each others flaws and they both have the biggest hearts.  I have many regrets where they are concerned and my biggest one in the moment is that Gordon never got a chance to meet Pierce.  Penny and Pierce where his only great-grandchildren and as he got more ill, their plans to come down and see us had to change.  I wish I had known then how bad things truly were, how much the leukemia was affecting him....

How did I get so caught up in my life that I didn't make time for us to go see them?  When did family become secondary to the daily monotony?  I know that people will tell me that I don't have to feel that way because my life is busy and there is something happening every minute of every day, but I think it is important in these moments to look at where our true priorities lie.  If I could go back in time, I would push for us to make a trip up there happen instead of trying not to put pressure on Ken to get off of work.  I know that of all people, my husband understands the most how precious family is because of how he treats his own family.  When we first got married, in my immaturity, I used to take offense to it.  He had a new family now, why did he feel like he had to spend so much time with his siblings and parents?  I was so very, very naive in those first few months of marriage.  Now I feel blessed that I gained THREE amazing sisters, another set of parents, and a whole host of new cousins, titos and titas, and lolos and lolas that love me and treat me as one of their own.  Although my family has always been incredibly important to me,  we always had this understanding of, "it's life and sometimes it gets in the way".  I don't agree with that anymore.  We only have a short time together on this earth, and family is one of the most precious things we have.  Time and sacrifices should be made so that we can be together. My mom and I have been discussing this a lot in the last few days, both of us realizing how we are letting time slip away from us.

Ken and I decided we will be going to my grandpa's funeral even if it means we have to pack the kids up and drive through the night to get there and spend a day before turning around and driving back that night.  Of course, my husband immediately told me when we got the news not to worry about his work schedule, he would take off whatever time he needed to to get us up there.  I don't know what I would do without his strength and understanding.  He is always my rock, as I know God intended.

I have struggled a lot today with my emotions about all of this, should I let Penny see me cry?  Should I stress her out with things she doesn't understand?  How should I act around my friends when I just really want to break down and cry and be hugged by people that love me and want to take away the pain?  I'm letting myself cry now, and it is so cleansing, its like the dirt is being washed from my eyes and I'm able to see life in a new light and it seems brighter and more beautiful than before. Instead of seeing Penny's endless energy as exhausting, I want to feed off of it and encourage it.  It makes the quiet, peaceful times when I'm watching her fall asleep even more beautiful.  She is so vibrant and full of life, sometimes blinding like the sun and her mischievousness just makes me want to laugh at everything she does.  I have the craziest, almost desperate, urge to never want to stifle her light.  I don't want to tell her for the twentieth time to stop dancing on the table or to stop jumping on my face, which she find hilarious.  I just want to revel in her liveliness and view life the way she does, as an incredible gift to be lived to the fullest.   Pierce is the same way, smiling and laughing and giggling at his crazy sister.  Even with baby #3 on the way (yes, I am pregnant again for those I have not told yet) I know that things are going to be fine.  I see it all the time in the way Penny and Pierce play together and in the village that gives me so much incredible support and in my husband who finds the goodness in all of this.  God did not give us an easy path, but it is possible one of the most beautiful and blessed paths.

I know this is long and a bit like a jumbled rambling of thoughts, but thank you for hanging in there with me through this. You, my family, my village, my friends, are the ones who keep me going and grounded.  Much, much love to all of you tonight and may you have peace in your hearts as I am finding mine.

Hello Again

It has been 5 months almost to the day that I have written a blog post.  I wish I had time to keep up with it more because there is so much to say and just not enough time.  Ultimately, I want this blog to be for future me.  I want to be able to look back on all of my motherhood experiences and have memories that I can share with my children when they grow up.  To be able to laugh at my naivety and to know that I got better as a person, as a wife and as a mom.  Now on to the fun stuff...  

Pierce is incredible.  He lights up our life just like Penny does and they are just darling together.  They love each other so much and Penny is always giving Pierce kisses and kicking him with her flailing limbs (accidentally, of course).  He is turning 5 months old on Saturday and I just don't know where the time has gone.  I am grateful that these last few months have sped by.  Even though people say to cherish every moment, to be completely honest, the first 3-4 months are the hardest for me.  I think it is partly from having the kids so close together in age.  Pierce and Penny both need constant love, attention, and being held, as young ones do, and many days my body aches from it all.

I am constantly at war with exhaustion and most days I can fend it off.  Ken let me sleep a huge chunk of the night last night and it was almost terrible.  I woke up feeling more exhausted than I ever have in my life and I simply couldn't keep my eyes open.  I think I need to stay in a constant state of near-exhaustion to function.  Not healthy, I know, but it is only for a few years (I keep telling myself this, but dear God, please let it only be a few years!). Poor Ken, he just wanted to help but instead created a monster!

School is my biggest struggle right now.  Mostly because I absolutely love being a student and not having enough time in the day to be a GOOD student really gets to me.  I get frustrated when Pierce or Penny won't go to sleep for the night because I need to take a test or do homework.  Then, of course, the mom guilt creeps in because my kids are my #1 priority and really, who cares if I get a C on my exam?  I know that I have to sacrifice things in order to have it all, but I really really wish I could give everything in my life 100%.  Right now it's 95% kids and 5% school... when they're asleep... if they go to sleep.  At this point I just want to graduate and I can't enjoy school the way I normally would.

As always, I am grateful for all of the incredible women in my life that keep me going.  My tribe is the best tribe in the entire world and I wouldn't be half the mom I am without them.  To end on a positive note, since most of this has been a sob story, every single day has these incredible moments where I just feel like the most blessed person in the entire world to have these two beautiful babies and a husband that loves and cherishes us (that we never get to see, but that's a story for another time).  It will hit me out of nowhere and bowl me over.  Ultimately, as angry as I get at God sometimes, He has thoroughly blessed me.

Welcome Baby!!

Ken and I are ecstatic to welcome our new baby boy into the world! Pierce Matthew Palaad was born at 11:30ish pm on Easter Sunday, April 5th, 2015. It was an extremely difficult labor and by the end, my uterus was so exhausted that it wouldn't contract after Pierce was born. I hemorrhaged and Karen and ger team have me a bunch of different medications to help stop the bleeding. It slowed down but she was concerned about how much blood I had lost so I took an ambulance to the hospital and Ken and Pierce followed right behind. Now we are in postpartum being starved! Haha jk, but seriously graham crackers and peanut,butter never tasted so good. We are relaxing here for most of the day until I'm discharged. We are so blessed and thankful for all of you!

how much longer?!?!?!

This is Kenneth again.

I dont know how much more of this I can take! My arms are tired...




Just kidding =)

But seriously though, I kinda wish labor pains can be delegated...that would make it so much easier! Why hasnt anyone come up with that yet?


Steph's getting in the tub now...

here.

So Steph just handed me the laptop and apparently expects me to write a blog post...

Here goes:

Shetp is dinog geart! She is siltl simling and in good sirptis.  We are hpiong taht tihs bbay cemos out soon!

The Real Thing!

I have been having strong, difficult to talk through contractions for about the last three hours.  Ken and I went to get Penny and my mom settled in at his Aunts house in HIghland and while we were there, I was having two contractions back to back in a five minute span with a 7-9 minute break inbetween.  They offered to have us stay for dinner but I knew we needed to get home and call Karen.  Now they are coming even quicker and I am having to pause in between writing this to have Ken apply counter pressure to my hips.  All really great signs!!  Karen and her troops are on their way.  Someone else might be doing the updating from this point on, but I will try to keep everyone in the loop.  Here we go, baby!!!

Belly Binding

As morning came, I knew that since I had not yet had the baby that it probably wasn't going to be happening until later tonight.  Daytime brings about a different feeling, not one that is particularly conducive to laboring.  After talking to Heather and Andrea, the student midwives, they encouraged me to try belly binding today and see if it helps baby move into a better position.  SO, I'm now sitting, belly bound, on the couch, watching Netflix and my contractions have been feeling much better.  Before, I was feeling the contractions deep in my round ligament and the pain was NOT fun.  Now my contractions are more centrally located and much less painful.  Hopefully that means baby is in a better position too!  Karen and her team left so that I could have a peaceful day and, as much as I want the baby to be here already, I am glad they are able to spend Easter with their families! (I think maybe I just have a super polite baby that doesn't want to interrupt anyone's schedule haha). They will be back as soon as I call them with news, but until then, Ken and I are just going about our day, anticipating the arrival of our little one and talking about baby names.  Who knows, we may even get crazy and go see a movie or something!  Happy Easter everyone!  Thank you for being a part of this journey.  I will keep everyone up to date as always.  Feel free to text me if you want to check in :).  I am missing my village, but I can't wait for all of you to meet this little one!